Anita,

So that’s a positive thing to notice and reflect I guess, rather than panic and make irrational decisions?

I don’t remember much, my late teens were quite blurred with emotional neglect or perhaps emotional abuse is the best way to say it.

I did remember two things. When I was very young I remember crying at the kitchen table because I could not spell the word grandad. Even though she showed me how to, each time she came back I had put a double d. I remember she got very frustrated and wouldn’t let me leave. I also remember that each Friday we had a spelling test in class, and I used to always ‘win’. Another thing I remember is that she would call me in during the summer holidays when I was playing with friends or whatever to make me sit and revise my mathematics times tables. I remember I used to be so upset/embarrassed because I was the only one who was called to do it. I believe she meant well, but it’s worth reminding that she was forced to leave school at 15 to go and work (her family background is quite negative). I guess that is like my current partner (only he comes from a generally loving and supportive family). I know I used to get upset because we couldn’t afford new textbooks and I always had to have second hand ones.

One other thing I remember, when I was 18 I was sitting my finals in high school. At the time I was no longer living with her because of the difficulties of the situation and was forced to live with a family member. I bumped into her after an exam, which I had made a mistake in and explained to her the mistake I made, and how I rectified it (I was proud I noticed the mistake, and thought fast to correct it) and she said ‘Well what did you do that for?’ in a very critical tone and I remember feeling very sad.

Her love for me was very conditional. I remember that if we ever did something wrong at home, it was quite common for her to pointblank ignore us as punishment. Likewise, I do know that when I did well in school etc she praised me a lot, and encouraged me a lot. If I was ever in trouble or anything like that I would be punished. She used to check up a lot on my work too, and make sure my stuff was always signed. But love wise, I do really struggle to remember the good times but I am not sure if that is a stress reaction. I dont know if I shut off from memories, that is why I can’t remember, almost as a protective factor. Other people often don’t understand when I mention that I cannot remember the so called ‘good times.’

I remember my brother was not very academic, he had potential to be but liked to be out with friends etc. I remember when his results came too they weren’t as good as mine (although he was older) and I remember he was upset in his room, probably because he hadn’t achieved what he ‘should’ have.