Dear joanna:

Glad to read from you again. I do think you are making progress, absolutely.

Your mother “sounds” like mine, what an amazing similarity: my mother too

1. Complained about my “wrongdoings” but insisted that I do not fix those wrongdoings.

2. Blamed me for thinking what I was not thinking, for feeling what I was not feeling, for having intentions I did not have.

#1 caused me to feel and be helpless in life, encountering problems but not even thinking that there is something I an do about it. For example, less than a year ago when it was warm in the house, it did not occur to me that I can open a window.

#2 caused me to suspect myself on an ongoing basis for having bad intentions. I hear voices in my head (so to speak, not in a psychotic way) that keep accusing me. Every time I do anything almost, there is a voice in my head saying: you did it wrong! And you did it on purpose!

I didn’t get it until I did… that that accusation that I was doing things on purpose to hurt others, was so distressing that doing anything, trying to accomplish any physical task, was exhausted. It is.. working under the influence of mental torture.

This is why I avoided physical work for a long, long time.

anita