@Laila: I totally understand what you’re going through. I wish I could tell you to somehow find a way and leave for good but from experience I know that when you’re in so deep, nothing you’re told by others, not even your own inner voice that knows what’s right for you, can make you leave. For years I could not imagine a life without him and that’s why I stayed no matter how badly I was treated. But I finally reached a point where I was completely devoid of emotions. I gave him everything- my time, my love and even my money- but I never got back anything in return. I remember calling him after a week of not hearing from him and the tone of his voice was so cold and emotionless and that was when I realised that I didn’t love him anymore, not because I didn’t want to but because I just couldn’t. I think all of us who have been through something like this ultimately come to the realisation that we just can’t give anymore without receiving anything. Just the fact that you replied to my post shows that you’re heading towards that realisation. I really hope that you’ll be able to leave soon enough. I would like you to know that as I ended that last call with him I had decided that it was all over. I felt quite numb because I such an important part of my life was finally coming to a close but at the same time I felt a strange feeling of freedom and happiness, like a heavy burden had been taken of my chest. I hadn’t felt that light in years. I admit that I have days that are really hard and like you I too often feel scared and anxious but I’m sure it’ll get better with time because I’m doing the best I can to heal myself. The best part is that now I’m living for myself and not to constantly please another person. I know that right now it’s really hard for you to think of leaving him but just know that when you finally decide to do so, everything is going to be okay. If you decide to face your fears and heal yourself, you’ll see that life seems a lot more meaningful and beautiful than when you were with that person. There will be hard times but believe me, no amount of fear, anxiety or loneliness can feel worse than what we feel when we are mistreated by the person we love.

@Anita: Regarding you question if I had been mistreated before, well I have gone through name-calling and being ignored by some of my ex boyfriends but never did I feel that it was my fault. Such behaviour would make me really upset but I never blamed myself. Other than that, I have never been mistreated by my family members. I was sexually abused by a neighbour when I was quite small. Years later when I realised what had happened, I was angry for quite a long time but even in this case I didn’t blame myself because when it happened, I was just a small child who didn’t realise what was being done to her. I think this pattern of thinking that everything is my fault started with my abusive ex. For example, yesterday my current boyfriend completely ignored me. Like I said in a previous post, we’re in a long distance relationship and I had asked him for some time to deal with all these emotions that have been coming up. A few days back I had texted him but I got no reply but I didn’t think much of it. But yesterday he came online after so many days, set his status to invisible and then didn’t respond to my calls or texts. I immidiately started trying to figure out what I had done wrong but soon enough I realised what I was doing. And I also realised that I’m sick of blaming myself for another person’s behaviour. However, once in a while these negative thoughts pop into my head and I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. All my ex boyfriends, except one, at some point have ignored me and treated me like I mean nothing to them. Even my current boyfriend who was so sweet and kind is doing the same thing to me now. So sometimes I can’t help but wonder if there’s something really wrong with me and I drive them to act this way. Regarding your question about why I think it’s my fault that I was mistreated, I think it became a thinking pattern during my relationship. With my ex constantly telling me that I’m assuming things, or that I’m nagging or overreacting, I think over time I started believing that the problem lies within me. And there’s also the fact that I was constantly trying to change my behaviour to please him. I think that’s why even yesterday when my boyfriend ignored me, I started to wonder if there’s something I need to do to change my behaviour. The good thing is that now since I’m consciously aware of this thinking pattern, I’m working to change it.