Thank you both for your responses

@Inky: I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. I’m quite close to my family and I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel to be abused by them and not be understood. Regarding your advice, I cut off contact from him last year itself so this is not something I’m struggling with. I had difficulty coming to terms with the fact that something like that happened to me but I have accepted it and what I’m really struggling with now is being able to trust myself and the person I’m currently with. Sometimes I’m scared that I might let the same thing happen to myself again. Moreover, I start panicking that my boyfriend is doing the same thing to me. When I’m calm I know that he’s not the same as my ex but sometimes I have these panic attacks and I can’t think straight anymore and my head gets filled with all these negative thoughts. You said you were abused by family and friends. How then did you find the courage to trust yourself and others again?

@Anita: Since you asked me I’ll try to briefly share my story. I started dating my ex back in 2014 and the relationship felt so good at first. There were a few things that I found weird during this period such as he wanted me to dress a certain way so he could show me off to his friends and sometimes he would jokingly comment on my physical flaws that made me quite conscious of my body. Although it did strike me as odd, at that time it didn’t seem too serious and I just dismissed it. After around seven months his behaviour started changing, he would ignore my calls, we would argue all the time, he was disrespectful to me in front of his friends (he would talk about getting close to other women at clubs and then he would text me later saying that even though he hangs out with other women I’m special and so I shouldn’t feel bad). Basically he became really cold towards me and when I tried to point it out he would tell me to stop nagging him (I even started to believe that I was the one nagging and causing these problems). After around two months he broke up with me and since then until the middle of last year, although we didn’t have an official relationship, there were periods when he would be really nice to me and give me hope that we’ll get back together and then all of a sudden he would become distant and start ignoring me. This is the period when I was treated quite badly. I was too deeply in love with him and I thought that doing everything he wanted would somehow make him realise how much I cared for him, that’s why I tolerated his behaviour. He knew how I felt and used that to his advantage to turn me into his booty call and I went along with it thinking he genuinely wanted to spend time with me. What’s worse is that after we had sex he would basically act like I’m invisible (I couldn’t leave immidiately because I stayed quite far). He wouldn’t bother to even look at me and sometimes he would lock the door and make phone calls and he even started receiving phone calls from someone late at night. Over time he hardly made any effort to even hide the fact that he was flirting around with another girl. He would always hang out with her and even received her calls when he was with me. When I tried to speak to him about it he would tell me that I’m assuming things for no reason or I’m just imagining things and at this point I was in so deep that I believed everything he said. I started believing that I was this crazy person who was always overthinking and doing all the wrong things. The only time it ever got physically abusive was during sex. Sex with him was really painful for me and most of the times I would scream amd cry and beg him to stop but he would either close my mouth or just ignore my screams and keep going. Once he was done he would either ignore the fact that I would be lying there crying in pain or he would tell me to stop being a drama queen. Well there were times that I tried to leave but he would say things like “I’m going through a hard time right now and I want you to be with me but if you want you can leave”, and slowly I started feeling guilty to leave him. Last year things seemed to have changed for the better, he was being really nice and we even planned that he would move in with me. During these months when I had become so hopeful for our future, he started borrowing a lot of money from me. I wanted to do everything I could so that he could come and live with me and we would finally move forward in our relationship. We were only two months away from the move when he started acting cold towards me again. Then I found out that he had gotten back with his ex and he no longer had financial problems and so he didn’t need me anymore. This is when I decided to cut him off completely. The surprising part is that he does not even realise that he did something wrong. There are many other details regarding his behaviour but I think I have already written too much.

As for the question of how I realised it was an emotionally abusive relationship, well I recently moved back to the country where I went through all this and this brought back memories that I have deeply buried inside me that I didn’t know still existed. Also, I started noticing how different things are in my current relationship. I’m not blamed and made to feel like I’m a terrible person. It’s also because me and my current partner are not talking as much as we did when I first moved (we would talk on Skype for hours everyday but now it’s once every three days). I realised that I was using him as a way to avoid dealing with all these issues. The day we started speaking less often and I had more time to be with myself, everything that I had avoided for so long began to come to the surface. I’m dealing with these emotions everyday and it’s like a roller coaster. Sometimes I’m calm but there are also times when I have panic attacks and I get scared and I’m neither able to trust myself or my partner. I hope this answers your question. I’m sorry for such a long post.

@Laila: I totally understand what you’re going through. I wish I could tell you to somehow find a way and leave for good but from experience I know that when you’re in so deep, nothing you’re told by others, not even your own inner voice that knows what’s right for you, can make you leave. For years I could not imagine a life without him and that’s why I stayed no matter how badly I was treated. But I finally reached a point where I was completely devoid of emotions. I gave him everything- my time, my love and even my money- but I never got back anything in return. I remember calling him after a week of not hearing from him and the tone of his voice was so cold and emotionless and that was when I realised that I didn’t love him anymore, not because I didn’t want to but because I just couldn’t. I think all of us who have been through something like this ultimately come to the realisation that we just can’t give anymore without receiving anything. Just the fact that you replied to my post shows that you’re heading towards that realisation. I really hope that you’ll be able to leave soon enough. I would like you to know that as I ended that last call with him I had decided that it was all over. I felt quite numb because I such an important part of my life was finally coming to a close but at the same time I felt a strange feeling of freedom and happiness, like a heavy burden had been taken of my chest. I hadn’t felt that light in years. I admit that I have days that are really hard and like you I too often feel scared and anxious but I’m sure it’ll get better with time because I’m doing the best I can to heal myself. The best part is that now I’m living for myself and not to constantly please another person. I know that right now it’s really hard for you to think of leaving him but just know that when you finally decide to do so, everything is going to be okay. If you decide to face your fears and heal yourself, you’ll see that life seems a lot more meaningful and beautiful than when you were with that person. There will be hard times but believe me, no amount of fear, anxiety or loneliness can feel worse than what we feel when we are mistreated by the person we love.

@Anita: Regarding you question if I had been mistreated before, well I have gone through name-calling and being ignored by some of my ex boyfriends but never did I feel that it was my fault. Such behaviour would make me really upset but I never blamed myself. Other than that, I have never been mistreated by my family members. I was sexually abused by a neighbour when I was quite small. Years later when I realised what had happened, I was angry for quite a long time but even in this case I didn’t blame myself because when it happened, I was just a small child who didn’t realise what was being done to her. I think this pattern of thinking that everything is my fault started with my abusive ex. For example, yesterday my current boyfriend completely ignored me. Like I said in a previous post, we’re in a long distance relationship and I had asked him for some time to deal with all these emotions that have been coming up. A few days back I had texted him but I got no reply but I didn’t think much of it. But yesterday he came online after so many days, set his status to invisible and then didn’t respond to my calls or texts. I immidiately started trying to figure out what I had done wrong but soon enough I realised what I was doing. And I also realised that I’m sick of blaming myself for another person’s behaviour. However, once in a while these negative thoughts pop into my head and I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. All my ex boyfriends, except one, at some point have ignored me and treated me like I mean nothing to them. Even my current boyfriend who was so sweet and kind is doing the same thing to me now. So sometimes I can’t help but wonder if there’s something really wrong with me and I drive them to act this way. Regarding your question about why I think it’s my fault that I was mistreated, I think it became a thinking pattern during my relationship. With my ex constantly telling me that I’m assuming things, or that I’m nagging or overreacting, I think over time I started believing that the problem lies within me. And there’s also the fact that I was constantly trying to change my behaviour to please him. I think that’s why even yesterday when my boyfriend ignored me, I started to wonder if there’s something I need to do to change my behaviour. The good thing is that now since I’m consciously aware of this thinking pattern, I’m working to change it.