anita,

after reading your post, i did just that. oh, how much it has helped me tremendously!!!!! i feel…..great. i have been lighter. happier. seeing the world in a different light. i feel more confident.

i am learning to accept what my life has been – and at the same time, realizing more and more the falseness my mother has put in my brain. i am not feeling lonely – i am feeling strong actually. and that anything is possible. she begged me to stay in touch with her and send her a picture of me everyday. “it is the least you can do for me. i am your mother. i will die if you don’t talk to me.” couple days later, she is the one that disappears from me. she DOES WHAT SHE WANTS. she DOES WHAT SERVES HER.

i have also, in this short period of time, become better at quickly removing things that don’t serve me. before i used to keep toxic things around – i did not want to be alone even if it was problematic. i only knew problems. now i see more clearly everyday that my own peace is the ultimate goal. everyday does not have to be a problem. because of this, i am able to cut contact or stop desperately contacting some people here that are not really serving me. i am realizing how I AM the priority. me. oh how hard ive tried to make friends here etc. no one else has tried that hard back in return. i am exhausted. i don’t want to do it anymore. after all, i am not as alone as i think, and i no longer have this desire to reach out to people who do not return the same behavior.

it is interesting to me how quick the change happened in a way. it was just last week i was crying in my bed – all of my eyeliner on my pillow case. and here i am feeling like this. will i feel like that again? probably. but now that i know that i can feel like this, that it is possible and real, i dont think my steps will be as downward as upward.

last thing i want to say is, i am sure you will understand this (I think) – is that i have come to the conclusion and have finally accepted that i most probably will be unable to connect on a true deep level like this with anyone, especially my age (unless they are extremely self aware). I realize that most people are not on this level of discovery and i need to stop wanting or expecting people to be on my level. they wont be. and this is why there are people like you and sites like this and therapists out there. i think accepting this has helped me keep to myself more during social interactions and has given me more peace. For example, with C, i think i was so hung up on showing her the reality or wanting to work on self improvement tactics together – but she was never seeing things the way i was. I have this other friend back home who i have spent hours texting trying to get her to see where her anxieties come from – and it has never gotten through or rather she doesn’t want it to get through. My friend here is having time management problems and asked me for advice- she did not listen to it. This type of stuff used to really anger me. However – They will always be in their own world. let them. if they are delusional and are not open to hearing about it, it isnt my problem. I do not have to fix people. Rather, it isn’t really my right to fix them. Who says I am right? I can be completely wrong. I do not even know anyone’s full story. You know my mother just always thought what she thought was correct. She had no information though! It was all made up! The best is when she used to diagnose people with medical conditions. Im sorry, I did not realize you got your medical degree mom!

My focus is only me. Because I only know me, no one else.

with love,

cali sister