Dear foofoobunny:

You are welcome.

I read your two recent posts and  re-read your original post. I have a few thoughts:

1. Regarding feelings, you wrote: “I get sad, angry, hurt and jealous… But I don’t want to feel that anymore… currently I’m fighting so hard to be happy for him… but I also can’t shake off feeling of hurt, sometimes bitterness and sadness…I want to let him go and be happy… Maybe in time I can truly be happy for him with no hard feelings”-

What we feel is not subject to our will and intent. We can’t feel something because we want to, fight to feel this or that, shake of a feeling and order a feeling as if it was an item on a menu in a restaurant.

Every feeling you have has a message  in it that needs your attention, and as long as the message is not attended to, the feeling will persist, or if gone for a while, it  will come back.

2. Regarding your belief that you are a  bad person. You wrote: “I believe  I am a very  toxic person… This breakup is actually good for me as it  serves as trigger for change and become a better person.” This core belief took hold early in your life, and that is why, is it not, that you had suicidal thoughts since you were a teen, “never had a purpose in life”?

You wrote: “I had  become this monster… I became easily agitated”- reads to me that you believe that feeling agitated, that is feeling angry, makes you a monster, a toxic person (what I referred to as a bad person).  But no, feeling  anything does  not  make us saints or a monsters, good  or bad.

3. Regarding what you mentioned but did not  elaborate on. You wrote: “I know the  whole thing was unhealthy to begin with“- the relationship with him was unhealthy to begin with, is that what you mean? How so?

anita