Hi everyone,

I know all breakups are as painful as they come. I myself have had a handful but this is my worst one yet.

So I have always been a very negative person who had suicidal thoughts since I was a teen. I never had a purpose in life and it remained that way until in college, when I met ex-boyfriend. He was really nice to me and wouldn’t stop pursuing me even after various “no”s… until eventually I decided to give it a chance.

We were together for 5 years. I was very happy with him. He knew of my suicidal tendencies, but talked me into looking forward to living. Planted many hopes in me, like how he was going to marry me and we were going to be family one day, etc. I met all his family as he has met mine and I thought we were going solid.

He was a really good guy… he spoiled me like a baby, followed me everywhere, spome to me daily and taught me to be hardworking and not to waste my parent’s money in college. Basically… I feel like I owe my life to him… if it wasn’t for him, I would have never studied hard and landed a job in a prestigious company where I am now.

Sadly, he couldn’t get a job in the same country as I did. We were already in an LDR prior to me graduating but now we had to keep it up.

Being out there for the first time as a working adult, I was too immature and ill-prepared… in time, I had become this monster who can’t see past what was real and in my head. See, my whole life I had always been overthinking and very emotional, but it became 10x worse. I became easily agitated, even at my ex-boyfriend. And I was so caught up in my brand new life and my fabulous job, that I had neglected him. Though I still visited him and try to keep the relationship alive, for the  most part I was emotionally drained, detached and depressed. I wasn’t putting in much effort, and he knew this.

I couldn’t see how terrible it was until one day when I spoke to him and he spilled all the truth out… by that time it had been 2+ years since this had been going on, and he was already one feet out the door. He pulled away more and more, and after two weeks he broke up with me in a clear cut fashion, wanting me rid from his life and stop fighting for him for good.

The worse thing is, I had revolved my whole life purpose around him. I worked so hard, put myself out here and got so blindsided, but my end goal was him and I lost that completely. And even though I had been living abroad for years, I made no attempt to have any circle of own. My ex boyfriend and I shared this thought that we only need each other, we didn’t need anyone else. So I clinged to him for emotional support and this is where I am left now.

He is gone. I can’t fully accept it, I want to believe he is still there thinking about me but he is gone. He told me he never will be happy again, he could no longer see me as the person he fell in love with in college. The man who came and put a purpose in my life, took it all away from me.

I know the whole thing was unhealthy to begin with. And I know I need to love myself, be happy with myself, find my own friends, goals, etc. I tried but I can’t. I feel so lonely, so needy of his approval. I want him to at least look back and think of me positively and not for the monster I had become. I know it was my fault that it all went down, but it had to take me losing him to realise it.

I get sad, angry, hurt and jealous all throughout this grieving process. But I don’t want to feel that anymore. I want to just accept it, I don’t even want to think of trying to make him regret or anything. I just want to be at peace.

Please give me some advice. Thank you.