Dear joanna:

Responding to your post before the most recent one: you are welcome. You wrote: “You don’t even know me”- I don’t know how you look like but  I do know quite a bit about you, of what matters, that is,  don’t I.

* You mentioned diabetes, do you have diabetes?

You wrote: “I know she feels anger all the time so she expects me to. But I don’t”- she feels angry, so she thinks you feel angry too when you don’t.

“She.. feels this anger and she acts on it, that’s why she made a scene yesterday. So she did exactly what  she accused me of. Being angry and acting on it”- she made an angry scene and accused you of making that scene. Meaning, she inaccurately projected into you her anger and her behavior.

She accused you of “showing”, meaning “act…to bother or sting someone on purpose”

You wrote: “many times she accuses people” and you gave the following examples:

A co worker wore a new dress to work. Your mother’s interpretation: she wore the new dress because I wore a dress the day before so to hurt me, to show me that I am lesser than her.

Her brother is very busy father and employee. Your mother’s interpretation: he thinks I am too unimportant to call or visit.

There is a wedding of a person she is not in touch with and she does not receive an invitation. Her interpretation: they did not invite me because they want to hurt me, to let me know that they don’t like me.

A neighbor has a noisy party. Her interpretation: he arranged for the noisy party for the purpose of bothering me. (“she  says he does this specifically to bother HER, or us. Doing party only to bother us.”)

A neighbor’s kids didn’t say good morning to her. Her interpretation: their mother is  trying to hurt me (“their mother told them to not say good morning specifically to her because they want to revenge for when she did renovations and made noise, and they’re jealous she renovated the flat, and  they didn’t”)

A friend didn’t call your  mother when she was moving, following her divorce. Your mother’s interpretation: “she was afraid to get involved or have to  help in any way”

You are no  longer in frequent contact with a friend. Her interpretation: he abandoned you. You wrote: “for last 3 years she keeps telling me how HE abandoned me, keeps asking me: so he  still doesn’t text you or doesn’t want to meet? She knows perfectly well we are  not  friends anymore… she still won’t let  it go, and still reminds me that he abandoned me… she accuses  him of bad intentions and doing this on purpose”

You talked about having diabetes and you said that it is good that you don’t need a kidney so that you don’t turn to your father’s family for help. Her response: they won’t help you! (“She said: ‘they would never help you… she insisted they would never help and let me die”).

She  yells at you (“this happens all my life”) and you “just shut  up”. Her interpretation: you are trying to hurt me! (“So I have two scenes, one about something, and the second about being quiet and not talking…to specifically show her I’m offended… I speak- she yells more, I am quiet- she yells more”)

Regarding your most recent post: the only possibly helpful item, for my understanding of the topic of this post I am typing is the last part: “she always says her mother lost a child before her and was told to have another child (her) just to…She always accused her mother of this, it scared me how she says it, and how she believes it”-

Now  I will connect the two posts: all the examples you gave indicate that your mother believes that everyone is trying to hurt her, that their behaviors which are not about her, are all about her, and that the intention behind those behaviors is to hurt her. And you, in her mind, are one of those people. Every action you take(ex., placing your stuff in the kitchen because you don’t have a desk in your room), every action you don’t take (ex. not talking back when she yells at you for having your stuff in the kitchen) has the potential to trigger her false interpretation: you are trying to hurt me!

When your mother was a child someone did intend to hurt her and  proceeded  to do so. She  wasn’t wrong  then, her interpretation was correct (young children don’t have existing  neuropathways that distort their interpretation of reality). Maybe (and it is a guess taken from your recent post), her mother was  angry with her  and punished  her as a baby and  a child for not… being a good substitute for the baby that died.

That hurt and angered your mother repeatedly and  intensely.  She carried this  hurt and anger into adulthood, pushed down and  below her awareness. Without awareness, without insight and  without healing, she  keeps inaccurately projecting her real childhood experience into her adulthood life. She keeps seeing what did happen to her as happening in the present. And  that unresolved hurt and  anger keeps expressing itself.

Healing, for her, would be in long, long term quality psychotherapy where she  would bring her childhood experience into her awareness, gradually, slowly, and  in so doing free  her present from her past, peel off the past from the  present.

Not likely to happen, and so, she will continue to do what she does.

And you, joanna, are her victim.

anita