Dear joanna:

Since my last posting on the website I read your posts on your thread from the beginning (didn’t read my/other people posts on your thread), reading slowly. I quoted from your posts and will comment below. I stopped reading page 7, Feb 18 because I am tired. I read that you did share about your diabetes, just a little, early on (I didn’t remember that when I posted the above).

I noticed how gracious you have been throughout your thread, since Oct last year. You were attentive to every member who posted on your thread, being thankful, gracious and kind with every single person. I also noticed how honest you have been throughout, that you paid attention to what I wrote to you, repeating, considering, taking it in. I was also impressed by your intelligence and inquiring mind, willingness to consider new things, to learn, to ask me and others questions, to consider answers and reject them when you disagree. And do so graciously. I am so very impressed. Thank you for being who your are.

And now the quotes. I would like to comment on them later, maybe tomorrow morning (in about twenty hours), although I am not taking a  break from the computer, I want to take a break from your thread and be back to it with a fresher brain. If you find these quotes helpful, without my comments, at this point, maybe these quotes will help you with some deeper or even new understandings. If so, feel free to post what those may be.

Oct 15, 2017: So I’ve had this skin picking habit due to my anxiety. I always look for imperfections, can’t leave my face alone… I have small scars.

Oct 24  I still blame my tendency for depression and anxiety for all this, and think that I could have responded differently to treating me badly, I could have left earlier, I couldn’t have thought about this and couldn’t have caused myself pain and anxiety. Because it’s inside me, right? Sure other people cause pain but it is also my fault that I let this happen because I’m too weak to leave or stop this. When I think of some people that wouldn’t let this happen to them I get the feeling I am a really damaged person

Oct 25 my father used to ignore me. He didn’t even do anything bad, he just kept ignoring me. He argued with my mother and I saw he cared and was angry, but me? He didn’t even see me.

Dec 8 when I met this guy he reminded me of my father so much, felt so familiar, so nice and safe. ..

I  understand he is a bad person, but I can’t forgive myself I couldn’t make him love me.. I always want to punish myself, why am I like that, why I can’t be a person he wants. Maybe some detail I’d say or do would change how he feels about me.

Dec 9 self harming always made me feel guilty and then I beat myself even more

Jan 26, 2018 My mother didn’t notice me either. She was angry with my father everyday, bad mood and took it out on me, yelled at me… Then she  didn’t want me to visit him, I was a kid so her opinion was very important. So I didn’t visit him. And then he died.

Jan 28 For most of my life I thought my dad was the problem… He never yelled, hit or got angry with me…Besides ignoring me he never did anything… She scared me and he was always nice and gentle to me, but in the bad moments he just never did anything.

Jan 28 A friend told me I always hide my feelings and never admit I feel hurt, and that causes misunderstandings. He told me this many times too

Whenever he was around I felt like everything would be fine now, and nothing else mattered. I still now feel that when he comes here he will take all the pain away… the fact that we’ll see each other again brings hope, however illogical.

Jan 31  I often beat myself up and judge myself, here you do not do this, you’re kind in a way I am never kind to myself. I hate myself for what I am. I can’t look in the mirror sometimes, for those feelings and thoughts that don’t let me live.

Feb 4 When my parents divorced and I visited him I had this feeling that all the issues I had back at home, they didn’t matter since I was at my dad’s. He didn’t do anything, everything just disappeared and it was okay.

Feb 8 after divorce my life became worse – which is very twisted because they divorced because of my father’s drinking problem, so that I would have a “normal and calm life”, turned out my mother’s and her partner’s behavior towards me, their being aggressive (not physically), her silent treatments and criticizing me, his constant bullying, one day after another, started my self harming problems. The year we moved out, exactly. Exactly the moment my father disappeared  I started picking on my face, as I was 12 years old

Feb 13 I just grew up hearing how bad people are…But she taught me the worst thing in my life that I fight everyday – hating myself.  She used to tell me everyday I have thin hair…  I don’t stand straight… that I’m skinny…that I lisp