Dear Anita,

As for your question: It’s not technically diabetes but it’s a dangerous state that leads to it, also my condition doesn’t improve despite medications. But doctor says it can be cured. I just say diabetes so that I don’t have to explain in details what this condition means.

To what you were assuming:Funny thing is no-one ever mentions that baby who has died before her. Grandma or anyone. Life was busy and tough for them so they didn’t have a luxury to give up or sit and be sad about a child who wasn’t even born. They just had to go on. Maybe grandma was cruel to her and she explained it to herself that she didn’t love her and didn’t want her, and had her only because a doctor said to have another child. She used to tell me always grandma loved more her brother, she gave him money and helped him in life, was so proud to have a son, or her sister – but this is not true, I see it perfectly that grandma doesn’t favor her sister, my mother makes this up to feel sorry for herself. She also says grandma always criticized her for choosing bad husband, never praises her when she makes dinner or cooks, she still craves so much for her approval when she cooks something. (What’s funny not only she doesn’t praise my cooking, she doesn’t even want to eat this or taste it, not only that- she often says it perfectly clear that she does not want to eat this particular thing I cooked, she doesn’t like this particular type of cocktail I MAKE, she makes sure I understand that it’s not that she just doesn’t want to eat something – she doesn’t want to eat the food “I” prepared. (doesn’t it sound like a perfect definition of doing something “on purpose” or “to show”?)- it’s so freaking ridiculous how I see those things clearly and she is 60 years old and she doesn’t spend a minute analyzing this a little bit. Btw I don’t care if she doesn’t want this, I know it’s her “issue”, not mine or my cooking. I don’t even care or bother to cook things she’d like.).

Yesterday I texted her that she doesn’t control her anger and it’s not my fault and asked her to not accuse me of having bad intentions because I’m not such a person. I also said she should visit a psychotherapist to deal with anger. She said no.

The quotes: I’ve read them several times in that order and yes, I can see it. I must say I’m more calm after I noticed what my mother did, and all those conclusions here. Calm towards her, I don’t struggle or cry after she yells, I don’t hurt myself, I don’t feel like a small child who is bullied, like I did a year ago. Her criticizing doesn’t get to me that much because I know it’s not me who is flawed. So when I hear she complains or gets angry I now just she just has “an episode” again, and it doesn’t have to do anything with me or what I did. But also I feel a bit angry when I realized she took from me the time with my father. But then again, I was a child and my father was responsible for our relationship and he failed. So then I give up my responsibility in our relationship, because it was his failure, not mine. My role was to be a child and do what children do, nothing more. Not being better, nicer or more cute or pretty so that he would want to spend time with me. He didn’t because he failed as a father, and that was impossible to change. And so again I am more calm. I don’t struggle that much. My parents failed me and it was their failure only. To say I accept it would be too much but I give up my own responsibility for this, I refuse to feel responsible for not fixing this family. So more calm, yes.

Thank you for the kind words, I am very surprised. I chose to be honest here and to really try to get better. The biggest problem then were panic attacks which I was very scared of so tried to treat this very seriously, as it was really destroying me. I trusted you, I don’t know why, maybe I didn’t have anything to lose, but maybe I just felt I can trust you because you were the first person to ever tell me I don’t “have to” do anything, I don’t need to this and that, I don’t have to force myself to meditate just because people say it’s helpful. don’t need to beat myself up when I can’t meditate, or can’t calm down. I just started to accept I cant meditate, I feel panic attacks, just told myself it’s okay that it is all happening. No one ever told me to just stop beating myself. That simple. That surprised me greatly.

I would never want you to be exhausted or tired because of all this, or if it’s too much for you, please do not engage in my story if it feels like too much. As much as I will forever be grateful to you because you have changed my life in many ways now, regardless what will happen in the future and what good or bad decisions I will make, nothing will change the fact I saw and understood so much, and found a bit of peace thanks to you; I would never ever want you to feel overwhelmed or worse. If you do or if you feel you need to leave, I will completely understand.