Dear joanna:

Regarding your first paragraph: you were waiting in line to go to the bathroom.   A woman who stood behind you in line went first while you were looking away. Next, your mother angrily and loudly blamed you for being short and therefore causing your mistreatment.

My understanding of the situation: maybe the woman had to go and chose to do one wrong thing (going before you) instead of let’s say urinating into her clothes right there and then. If that was the case, I would think she would apologize before or after the event, explaining her great emergency. If she didn’t apologize, reads to me that she did disrespect you and the social custom of waiting in line.

When your mother yelled, she may have intended for the woman to hear her. She was too scared to directly confront the woman (assuming she didn’t after the yelling) and indirectly expressed her anger at the woman. She was definitely angry at you, the offended.

Here are two terms, italicized: the outer critic is the audible voice you heard when your mother accused you of being short and causing our mistreatment. The inner critic is the silent voice in her head blaming herself, among other things, for being faulty this or that way and causing her mistreatment by others (from childhood to the present day).

Sometimes she gives herself a break from that inner critic by turning that critic outward, hence the outer critic.

Regarding your second paragraph: I will list what the outer critic said to you and in parenthesis what the inner critic may be saying to her at other times (it is a silent voice, don’t know what it says, she may not know herself, not being aware of it. It doesn’t necessarily saying the very same things as the outer critic  is saying):

“You are short!” (You are ugly). You lisp! (Your voice is too thick) “You are messy”! (Your own father doesn’t love you even though you were neat and organized. Something is very wrong with you!)”You are oversensitive! (I hate you when you feel hurt, you whiny baby!) “Your eyes are like your father’s! (Your eyes are too small!) etc.

Regarding your question: my mother often accused me of intending to hurt her emotionally, then planning how to achieve that. And then executing my sometimes elaborate plan over a period of time until my objective was achieved and she was indeed hurt by me. She would tell me what my alleged plan was, and how I allegedly went about it step by step.

She accused me of not able to endure seeing her happy and making sure she wasn’t happy for long.

anita