Hi Anita,

Thanks! Hope you take care of yourself too.

A thought occurred to me this morning.. stemming from the idea of safety. When I was experiencing the anxiety, I felt it to be a familiar feeling.. something that has existed before.. maybe a long long time ago. I even wondered if this was anxiety I felt when I was in my mother’s womb.. or could it also be anxiety that my mother felt.. and this anxiety probably existed for a long long time. This anxiety that this world does not feel like a safe place and I thought of my father and situation at home.

That with what happened at home, with father’s erratic moods and all, I probably did not have a strong sense of safety at home.. and deep inside probably did not feel like the world is a safe place. The worry that when would my father’s temper erupt? When would another episode occur?

But with time, I learnt to deal with the uncertainty.. of creating a sense of safety within that world. And relating to my father as the sense of safety.. i thought it was paradoxical that he is the cause of the feeling of danger but yet he is where safety lies. Cos I have learnt how to stay safe.. by avoiding triggers that would set my father off.. so when he is calm, I am safe. I avoid, so I am safe. Even though there is danger, I have learnt how to keep myself safe.

And thus, when I am thrown now into another world, which I perceive to be unsafe too, I feel less in control. Cos I dont know what is making this world unsafe. At least at home, I know my father is the trigger, the secret to safety. Whereas here, it is an unknown. And it is a new skill that I have to learn to keep safe. And perhaps, I may even learn that the world is not that unsafe.. the world can be a safe place.. I can keep myself safe.. that safety does not lie with my father.. he is not the one that creates safety. He creates safety because he is where danger is created too.

What are your thoughts on this?

not-so-lost-star