Dear joanna:

About offending me, you have not. You did not use abusive words toward me, you did not display aggression toward me. You were repeatedly kind and gracious throughout our long communication here. You were kind and gracious to all members who replied to you.

You wrote: “is my mother right that I am almost ruining her life and making her life miserable with my leaving clothes on the floor etc. Please be honest with this.”

On my end: there was some discomfort about “be honest with this”- why the request to be honest, and why  on this? Is joanna suggesting that I was dishonest with her before, or that I was dishonest  about that?

On your end: you were emotional, the question you asked was very important to you, so you let me know how important it is for you that I tell you my true answer by adding: be honest, as in: don’t compromise the truth so to make me feel better, I really, really need to know the answer!

Following a moment of discomfort on my part, I realized what you meant and the very temporary discomfort was over. I understood that you did not suggest that I was dishonest before (a non-offense) but that my answer is very important to you. As a matter of fact it is a compliment to me that you trust me with a question that is so important to you.

You are safe with me, joanna. You can type what you want, don’t be afraid to offend me. I trust you to be the good person that you are. You are not… inclined to offend.

And to the answer of your question quoted above: no, your mother is not right. She was and is wrong. You did not and are not making her life miserable. I am sure of that.

Regarding self harm: part of you (thoughts and emotions) takes after your mother, believing that you are bad and deserve punishment, and like any person who is angry at another person and then punishes that other person, the punisher experiences relief, as in:  the bad one got what she deserved! Justice was done!

You wrote about your face: “I feel the need to destroy it… I don’t deserve to have a pretty face and when I see it, I want to look ugly again”-

back to the question you asked two days ago: “is my mother right that I am almost ruining her life and making her life miserable..?” if your mother is right, that means you are a bad person. Only a bad person will make her own mother miserable, intentionally and repeatedly and for years! And a bad person doesn’t deserve a pretty face!

If your mother is wrong, and you really did not and do not make her life miserable (other people did this job long before you were born to her), if your intent all along was to make your mother happy (the intent of all young children, naturally), then you were and you are a good person. A person deserving a pretty face.

An added complication when you harm your face is: what is wrong with me for doing this… Thing is, harming your face is a consequence of abuse you suffered and still suffer. Don’t blame yourself, if you can, for a consequence of someone else’s doing. As you increase your awareness that such behavior is a consequence of abuse, and as you continue to challenge what she told you, believe it less and less, the skin picking inclination will weaken and weaken and be more and be more and more under your control, a subject to your choosing.

anita