Dear Sapnap3:

I read your posts in all your threads, 2013- yesterday, 2018. In this first post I will include quotes from all your threads. Nothing but quotes I selected. In my second post to you, there will be my input.

Sept 14, 2013  She is a good friend of mine and she continued to berate me about my weakness…I love posting on TB because its the place I can express my feelings and not get…berated for having feelings or weaknesses… I do talk to a therapist and I have been seeing her for 5 years now but her schedule and my schedule will not allow me to talk to her everyday. I wish I had a friend or family to talk about how I feel… I am starting to like my self after years for self hate.

Dec 20, 2013  After my breakup, I made a list of qualities i wanted in a partner and this man has all of those qualities plus one big one. He is just like me. He is funny and child like just like me. We laugh so much. He wants to be with me…He reminds (if I ever forget) to be positive and to stay in the moment.

Feb 1, 2014  I am not going to down play my neglectful upbringing but I don’t want to dwell on it either… Lately, people have been asking to hang out with me because they are having fun with a happy person. I have fun too but it only stops there. I don’t show anyone anything below the surface…I keep waiting for him to abandon me like everyone else has…I have packed up my schedule with so many activities that my body is fighting with my mind. I have to slow down. My Bikram yoga instructor put it in the right way to me last night. He said “what’s the rush?” “where are you trying to get? Its all here now”. I see that every time I go away from the present moment (Which is often), I become neglectful of myself… Lack of a good male role model made me follow them like a puppy.

March 9, 2014   this past Saturday I was back to being the insecure, scared abandoned little girl…I was molested repeatedly when I was 6 by an older neighbor when I lived in India. I have always been ashamed of that. My parents don’t know this but knowing them, they will always blame me. This Saturday I decided to tell them. I told my dad to never use him again. He didn’t say anything but my mom said “he was probably being friendly. You don’t use him if u like but he charges us less, we will use him”. And she laughed when I told her about my boob. It shattered my heart.

March 30, 2014 He asked me yesterday “can i do anything that is good enough for you?” that cut through my heart like a knife. I have heard those words before from my past boyfriends. He is right. I can’t seem to ever be satisfied with myself or him.

Oct 4, 2014  I moved to Ireland a couple of months ago to pursue an MBA. I quit my job, put my condo out on rent and said goodbye to everything familiar.. Every partner, every friend has been looked upon as a “knight in shining armor” by me. Finally someone here to rescue me from a lifetime of loneliness…I don’t know where to begin to heal myself.

Nov 23, 2014  when does this self hate stop? …I am so tired. I have been working so hard. When will I ever start loving myself?

Oct 7, 2015 I finished my MBA and joined an internship with an IT firm.. The issue I believe is that I still don’t know what I want in my life…I have achieved so much in my life but there is something about mean, ruthless women that I cannot bare. ..I have put her on a pedestal…I have to put her down from that pedestal and tell myself that she is a human not God. She can be wrong. I do have to stand up for myself. ..I am dreading seeing my boss in less than 24 hours and I am dreading going back to my cold, unfriendly house. When do I start knowing the difference between my problem and not my problem? Like when do I start acknowledging that some times people are ass&&les and I really can’t help it? when do I stop blaming myself for “not trying hard enough” “not givning my all” and “not letting go”…when?

Oct 11 2015  All my life, I have been raised to blame myself for everything. My new boss is mean. She is crude and cruel but I still find an excuse to blame myself. Maybe I should work harder, smarter, be confident…Maybe …Maybe ..Maybe but when do I raise my hand and just say that she is a b@tch? When do I say, enough is enough? I know I can’t change her but the self blame is bigger than her cruelty.

Feb 29, 2016 On valentines day this year my father passed away all of a sudden. He wasn’t sick. He collapsed at work and died within minutes…I just started dating someone. I got the news at 4 am in Dublin of my father passing away and I was devastated… Everyday since, I have been taking care of all the finances for my mother. Taking away my father’s name from everything so that my mom doesn’t have to worry. She doesn’t speak english and as the only unmarried child, she is my responsibility.

March 9, 2016  I moved away to Ireland to get an MBA and really started to be happy in my life. Now this has happened and I feel so guilty for being so far away. .. how do I let go of this guilt? now leaving my mother is also tearing my heart apart because loosing her will leave me all alone. ..I find myself clinging to my mom to the point where I want to leave everything in Dublin and move back home again. Leaving Dublin will mean leaving a nice boyfriend, a good boss and good friends. I am so confused.. My boyfriend is due to tell me if he will ever consider moving with me to Chicago. If the answer is yes, we will continue dating. If no, we will go our seperate ways…I haven’t dated a man from Chicago in many many years and don’t get the attention I get in Dublin in Chicago. As a loving daughter, you can see why these thoughts are making me feel like a selfish little child. My dating life cannot be more important than my mother’s happiness but I am making it out to be.

April 12, 2016 I recently lost my father and looking back I can see that he loved me a lot. I can see that he made me feel wanted. I don’t have a great relationship with my sisters due to circumstances like big age difference and living in different continents. When my father was alive, i use to think “of course he has to show he cares, i will be the one supporting him soon.” I was always called a “crutch” by my parents because I was the only one who got American education and who made money. I never thought their love was unconditional. So from the begining, i didn’t think anyone can love me unconditionally.

Anita, my mom is alive and very tough woman. I love her a lot as she has been my mom and friend for a while. She is very loving but she also has a strong sense of “showing off” to others. I am treated very much like a trophy child. I often wonder if she would like me if I was less than perfect. She is very much in love with my middle sister though who was the youngest child for 9 years before I came along. Nothing my sister could do would deter my mother from loving her from being lazy to having boyfriends from different cast who didn’t graduate high school. She complains about her but also loves her a lot.

– end of post #1