Dear redapple:

You wrote that sometimes you told him “stuff that was pretty hurtful to push him away. As if I wanted to see how far I could push him”. Later in your post you wrote: “I was shocked. I never thought I would lose his friendship from my life.”-

Maybe you thought that if you hurt his feelings as a boyfriend, or a potential boyfriend, you will not be hurting his feelings as a friend? If so, I don’t think it is possible because regardless of the label, you hurt him by saying those hurtful things to him. Therefore your confidence that you will not be successful at pushing him away was not sensible.

And so, you were shocked that you successfully pushed him away.

It is possible that he would have exited your  life, as a boyfriend or a friend, regardless of those hurtful things you told him. But saying those things were not congruent with keeping him in your life in any capacity, I don’t think.

You wrote that you don’t know where to go from here. You mean that you don’t know whether to contact him again or not?

anita