Hello Redapple,

I wanted to reply to your post as it touched a nerve with me internally and I just wanted to say you aren’t alone in having done that before. I to have pushed someone I loved, admired and liked out of my life because I was scared of them getting too close and of real intimacy. I didn’t know how to handle it so I pushed it out. I too said sometimes mean things in the view I was just being ‘honest’ about everything good and bad. In that case there was nothing i could do once he (rightly) walked away but it didn’t stop it hurting any less. I think deep down you did sort want his connection (at least that was the case with me) but was scared where it would lead and so treated him like he would always be there e.g. by being over honest that way you wouldn’t have to get too close.

I don’t think there is much you can do now apart from see the whole experience as a lesson in how to treat people. The only thing I would say is perhaps writing him a letter apologising for how you treated him and sending it to him. Although that may make you feel better and not him. I don’t know. Or hope that if you meet again some day you will have worked on yourself and be a stronger person and so be able to show the person you really are before all the fear/hurt gets in the way like it did this time. I really do believe if things are meant to be, they will be and so it could be that you two being friends isn’t meant to be BUT his leaving has showed you a mirror of What you don’t want so you can work on what do want to be like.

It’ tough though moving on from someone. I also wish you to please go easy on yourself. You had come out of a stressful time with your long term relationship beforehand, it sounds like everything felt a bit up in the air and unsafe/insecure and he was your safety net. Lots of people do this, and we are all trying our best. We don’t always mean it or realise it when we are being mean and hurtful as we are also hurt ourselves and are trying to stop ourselves being more hurt. In hink That’s understandable.

I do hope You feel better soon

Hi Redapple,

No problem at all. I know how hard this situation is.

In my case there was no happy ending like that in terms of reconnection. I saw him briefly at an event I went to and he said he was really happy with his new girlfriend and that I am just stubborn rtf and he is pleased he had moved on. He said he wanted me to be happy which was kind. Although all the chemistry and feelings were still there e.g. even though by this point I hadn’t seem him for many months, seeing him again showed me how much I hadn’t moved on in terms of how I felt. He is now getting married next month and has got the house and dogs and so it wouldn’t surprise me if children were next. I haven’t reached out to him and tbh I know he wouldn’t want to hear from me anyway. I think after how awful I was he deserves happiness and so I am trying my very best to be happy for him from afar.

In terms of lessons learnt I am trying to be more like the person he was as I really admired him e.g. he was confident, trusted himself, honest with himself, kind, optimistic and I am trying to embody those traits more so a positive change can come from it.

I have also tried to be more in touch with how I do feel rather than how I feel I should feel as I think this is what caused me the issue. I felt like I should have feelings different than what I did and was too scared and cowardly to look at myself and how I felt honestly and I lost him from my life. So the lesson from that is to be honest with how I feel, take risks and listen to my heart rather than trying to go with what I feel I should want/feel. I find that kind of thing hard as he was the first person I ever let in fully.

The guilt of treating someone awfully does get to me alot. It’s something I think about most days. For that, I don’ know an easy fix or many solutions but what I have tried is to: try and do good things for others to restore faith in myself as a human, listen to audio tapes by Louise hay and just try and accept I can’t change the past no matter how much I would like to and just try and move forward with positive intent every day. I have also done online therapy and starting face to face therapy.

For me this is hard as I feel like I don’ t deserve to be happy or move forward as I am a bad human being. But I don’t know the answer to that one.

Not sure if these things can/will help you- my point is that whilst I have not magically gained him in my life again. I have tried to see the lessons from this and move forward. I have written about the lessons that are specific to me here but you may have different ones.  I wish you the very best of luck and please be kind to yourself. 🙂