Dear Anita

They started seeing each other again. But she still didn’t come back there, just visiting him sometimes, I don’t know the details, she doesn’t talk to me about him because she knows I don’t like him. Yes I think there is chance she will move out again.

About your self harm, were those temporary episodes or more like constant and repetitive? Were you aware of what were you doing? I noticed I have episodes, besides doing it sometimes every day I do it in some period of time, when something bothers me or I cant deal with emotions, for example for couple of weeks or so. What do you mean by that “There is something about experiencing hidden pain that is unseen by others, unnoticed- it being so intense and at the same time invisible.” ?

Well he texted me yesterday, I asked if he wants to just talk and sit, and he said no, obviously not and that there are a lot of things he would like me to do. He asked today if he can come in the morning and I said I’m not home and I’m not sure about this. He came here in the evening. We talked for an hour, and I saw he was disappointed, I asked him “so what do you want to do” he was just looking at me, not saying anything. I did what he wanted. I saw he really liked it, even more than in the past. He barely touched me, maybe it made him feel less guilty.  I asked if he wants to stay for the night and he said he cant and that it already happened too much. So I said what does it mean too much, I mean we are both aware of what is happening so it wasn’t some silly coincidence or something.  I didn’t say that, just asked what does it mean “too much” and I saw he won’t admit why he came here.  So now I don’t know what’s next. Maybe he wanted this but now he feels guilty, and will never speak to me again, or maybe he will want to meet again. I really can’t tell what he thinks and what he wants now. I feel like I’m thinking about this too much in last few days and just lost a distance and clear mind.