Dear Anita

I read again your post from march 22 about a “make believe”,  a fantasy, and not seeing reality for what it is. Thank you for this. At times I saw him as he really is, but I wanted him so badly to be my fantasy, for past years I believed he is. Even after how we ended this in October, how he reacted when I told him I want this over. I did this but didn’t have enough strength to go through this “breakup” so he easily hurt me saying things about getting a new girl next day and details on what he’s going to do with her. I didn’t even think at that time that what kind of man says those things.. I told him I loved him couple of days earlier and he knew why I wanted to end this, yet he said those things to hurt me and break my heart even more. I wasn’t even angry and didn’t judge him for that, when he texted me month later I was nice to him, although I cried almost everyday. As you said I thought I failed to make this loving man to love me. How could I be mad at him. I still had this fantasy he is a good man, loving man, because now he had a girlfriend so turned out he is a loving man. Which meant there was something indeed wrong with me. So I wasn’t angry,  for what he did or said to me. Even when he was there to pick up those things and texted me later about what he fantasized about me. I didn’t think again “what kind of man does that. having a girlfriend now..” Instead my hope returned that he wants me back. I see he is a bad person. I see and I also believe it now. Maybe because of your posts, which really get to me, I am very thankful for the effort you put in helping me to see it clearly. I had the strength to end this, several times in the past, I think it was third time in October when I ended this. But the anxiety and the voices in my head didn’t let me live. I was going crazy every day. And there was always this moment when he wanted to come back and ease this, so I always agreed, with hope and relief.

My usual thoughts were that I’m losing him again, or that I shouldn’t have left because there could still be chance that he would love me and notice me, one thought that didn’t allow me be to rest was that he always has more time during winter and I shouldn’t  have ended this in October because maybe all would have been different and we would spent some more time together, and I missed this chance.. I should have waited and see maybe.. I didn’t create those thoughts, they came to me. They came to my head, I couldn’t help it. Like I said a crowd of people shouting and pointing out at me. You said you had this experience too but learned to notice it. I noticed it, meditation helped me a bit but couldn’t defend myself from those accusations  I was hearing. I believed it. Now I’m thinking it’s probably over between me and him. I am angry and I judge him for what he did, cheating on her, insisting on this meeting, I know I wanted this too but I am angry he insisted on it, and persuaded me to meet him, and for treating my like this, leaving rudely. I don’t justify him. I don’t analyze what happened like I always did. I don’t beat myself up like I always did “I should do something like he wanted to, he said he likes this and that, I should have this and that ,..” Honestly I don’t care if he was pleased or not, most of my thoughts about this meeting are not beating myself up for not pleasing him enough but more being angry with him.

After he left, it was Friday and on Saturday I felt so bad, I was crying almost all night and burned my face to punish myself, and I had this thought: I wish he was there to make it right. I wish I could call him and he would come here and say all the right things to ease the pain..he himself has caused.

I feel a bit uncomfortable and angry for humiliating me.