Dear joanna:

I was hoping that you will feel angry at him. I wrote you a post on the matter two days ago, suggesting somehow that you express anger at him, but didn’t send it to you because you were exhausted. I was hoping you feel anger at him because it is natural to feel anger at people who hurt you and he has.

I didn’t even know until I read your most recent post that he told you at the time “details on what he’s going to do with (new girlfriend)” – cruel indeed, his intent clearly was to hurt you, to hurt a person who was already hurting.

So, yes, anger at him will fit reality. On the other hand hoping that the solution is with him does not fit reality. But I understand believing that it does when you feel it so strongly that it feels real.

And you will feel it again, believe it again… I hope when you do that you remind yourself of Reality. When you feel this way again, that hope is with him, don’t be surprised or alarmed. Get yourself ready for it now, every day.

On my walk yesterday some thoughts occurred to me and I felt that I was a bad person. I felt it and believed it. Then I reminded myself: it only feels this way. It is not true. And then I didn’t engage in a conversation or an argument with those voices telling me I am a bad person.

I removed my thinking from the voices and the feeling went away. After a few moments it was as if I didn’t feel what I felt, I was back to feeling okay.

When you feel this way again, that he is a good person (he is not!), when you doubt yourself again (you will!) don’t engage in those thoughts. Accept how strongly you feel these things, say to yourself: this is only what I feel. It is not true. And disengage.

anita