Dear Anita

Yes I know you have shared this before, I was reading this yesterday, but I was talking specific situations. Gosh I’ve been accused of my face impression hundreds of times. Tone of my voice, a “way” in which I speak or do. I was asking this because recently I had this situation. (I sometimes write things, sometimes I write to you, but I never send this because I dont want to bother you more than I already do 🙂 but writing “to you” makes me feel better, even though it sometimes stays in my notes. I don’t know why, I just do, so whatever. So this is one of those things). Funny thing about thinking of being a bad person

My friend had a birthday on Saturday and a driving licence test, so I went with her in the morning (she didn’t pass, but it’s okay, it was a first time, she was very nervous, I guess second time will be better) and then gave her a present and I made a small cake, bought some balloons etc. She first wanted to do this birthday party at my place but I kind of didn’t propose it, she also knows my mother etc, and she knew I’m not that willing to do it, anyway she didn’t ask but I think she wanted to. In the end she said the party will be at her sister’s. When we were there I felt bad I didn’t organize this party at my place, or help her sister more, I had some free time the day before and I said I could help her, she said no, it’s fine. But I should have insisted, she obviously could use some help. When I arrived I saw her sister cooked and decorated everything alone and I felt bad. Like I didn’t help her, although I was at home at 6pm the day before so I could come by and do something. That thought nagged me yesterday and today all the time. Today this friend came for a moment to give me some cake that her mother made today and I said, you shouldn’t have to, why are you giving me this. And she said „I wanted to thank you, you were so nice to me, you went with me to this driving test and bought me balloons and gave me the best presents” I didn’t know if she was joking or what.. Like why do you think I was nice, I was so rude, sitting at home when your sister organized a party, and I didn’t propose to organize it in my flat.. (I didn’t say that, just thought) I still can’t understand what in the world she thanked me for. I felt bad when she said I was nice when in reality (in my reality) I was the worst and rudest person in the world. I still think I was.