Dear Anita

It’s weird because for most of my life she used to brag about how she always sit with me and never neglected my homework so that despite living in a home where my dad was an alcoholic, I was never neglected because she cared about this homework. That was her exact version of this situation. However one time a year ago she once said something like.. “your father always making me nervous…and I sometimes used to scold you… sorry I always yelled at you during this homework” and when she told me this I felt we both knew the previous version was not true. Like we knew it was made up (not exactly because he was an alcoholic and I always did homework), partially true but true in a way that it covered another *hidden* version. Like someone beats you and then hugs you and comforts you, and says to people “we always hug, you know” and then he says to you: sorry I beat you all those times. And your reaction is: ???. Because he obviously did beat you but you are both saying different version, so what’s with this apologizing now. Are we still saying the first version or what, is it still valid. A bit confusing, as she is still the same person and still bullies me about about everything else.

Yes that similarity, I thought you just ignored it. She never accused me of it directly but she also always reminds me of her labour, she had a cs, and she thinks she was starting to wake up from anesthesia, so they gave her more, a lot, that after this operation they couldn’t wake her up. They gave her too much because she started to be awake, and it could have ended badly.  Following your quote “She told me the story repeatedly, that is all. Children take the blame even if it is not stated.” Everytime she told me this, before it started to sound nagging after 100th time, I felt like saying “I’m sorry mom, sorry you could have died because of me”. I don’t know if it felt like any experience for her, as she found out about this dangerous situation afterwards so she was alive and well, she wasn’t aware *she can die right this moment* except for this feeling of waking up. But again, even if it was, what can I do to make it up for her. I always felt weird hearing this, when I was little this story was scary and too much for me, and I didn’t understand it, when I was 10-13 I felt awkward hearing about labour, when older 15-20 I felt embarrassed and ashamed talking about, again, *labour* in this context, now it feels…just nagging. Just her, boring me again with this story which I never understood and even when I was old enough to understand it never stopped being awkward, and I definitely can’t relate to this and sympathize with her. Sorry if I sound harsh but it’s a scary story from my childhood, she bores me with this and harasses me with it for years, so what does she expect me to do, I sometimes felt like saying: ‘just give me a fucking break already, I don’t know why I did this with my leg, I can’t even fucking remember this, I was zero years old!’ Often I feel she wants to tell me that I was so neglectful (that’s sooo me, right) that I didn’t even took my own birth seriously, and she could die, because I did this stupid thing with my legs. And if I at least tried to make it up to her, and show her I improved myself since then, and I am tidy and reliable, so she would see that I regret this “episode” and I’ve changed. But no, I still can’t even be punctual, tidy, and can’t clean my own room properly because that’s what kind of person I am. And this episode at labour that could kill her was not an one time accident, I could kill her and I still laugh in her face, because I’m irresponsible, untidy and neglectful. Honestly, Anita, I hope this is not the case, and that I exaggerate, because if it is true, it’s the most insane thing in the world. Maybe it may seem irrelevant  in regard of your question of being guilty-innocent, I just need to think it over and understand it more, even if it’s an insane thought, thank you for making me see this better. Flaws she blames me for,  it’s enough for me that it’s not my responsibility, it lets me let go of my blame a little bit. I need to think about it day by day, and get used to this idea. Thank you for that. I feel a little bit of relief thinking about this. Anyway it’s a curious thing that she probably is guilty of them. I wonder if she blames herself.

I burned a spot on my face today, and then made it worse. I got scared a bit, I didn’t do anything for past 3 days which is a lot now, and in the evening I just did this before I even realized. I think I’ll leave my face alone tomorrow. I need to force myself to stop, I’m afraid of how it will look tomorrow. I need to stop, just feel this urge so much, I’m not even sure  if I feel it or think about it, I just start doing it, thinking about something else and suddenly I see what I’ve done. It’s always like this, never on purpose, always automatically. I’m afraid this spot won’t disappear. Tom called me yesterday, he told me we should just stay friends. He said he had an argument with his girlfriend and she is crazy jealous about me, meaning our past ‘relationship’, she doesn’t know we met twice (I don’t know how do I ever appeared in their conversation now) and that she knows he is hiding something and texts *someone*. I asked ‘Can we still see each other’ I don’t know why I asked this. I think I wanted to check how serious he is about it and I wanted to hear the obvious answer. He said.. ‘I guess we can. I want to.’ He apologized for this leaving etc. I was so overwhelmed, and exhausted, I think this was the reason I did this to my face today. I cant deal with all this. I never wanted this, I regret meeting him because it was humiliating, and I don’t want to be the person she would ever suspect for seducing him, because he will obviously say I imposed myself if she ever finds out. I went for a walk yesterday, sometimes it helped but it doesn’t help anymore. I’ll try to spend some time in a park tomorrow, it calms me sometimes. I’m thinking of taking medications, I took xanax for anxiety in the past but it resulted in more bad than good. So no. Sorry if talking to me is overwhelming. I had panic attacks every night for last two weeks. Days are just exhausting breaks. I really don’t feel well.