Dear joanna:

About what I have learned so far from communicating with you. First I will explain this: there are different levels of learning: the dry, academic, intellectual learning, such as how many people are living in a particular city and there is the emotional learning. With the first kind you learn something (ex. number of people living in a city) and you are done with that learning, as the number published will not change until the next census.

The second kind- there is more and more and more to learn. There is a deeper and deeper knowing of the same thing.

Because of my most recent communication with you, I got to know deeper, I learned more that I am not guilty for having been born breech. There were many other deeper knowing and more learning that I experienced throughout your thread, a whole lot more.

About your assumption that it is unpleasant for me to communicate with you- not true. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when communicating with you because it so happens that I am tired or not feeling very well. Sometimes I rush. But never because I don’t like you. I like you throughout our contact here.

I don’t remember mentioning anything about my mother,  therapy and self improvement.

Regarding your mother telling you that you are ungrateful, my mother told me that many, many.. many, many times. And like your mother, my mother too told me many… many times that I “disappointed her and she feels hurt.”

You wrote: “When she is not around for long time.. I start to feel… (not) ashamed. it’s a lack of feeling of shame… So when she’s not around I feel free. I don’t judge myself for my own mistakes, small or big mistakes. I am forgiving to myself. I let myself live”-

How about not being around her for a long, long time… for the rest of your life?

In comparison to your mother, your father was a good man, in comparison. This is why you felt safe in his house, after their divorce.

In comparison to your mother, Tom is a good man. This is why you feel safe around him, and why you crave his company.

Problem is, it doesn’t take much for a person to be a better person than your mother. And so, you end up with a man like Tom. Better but.. not good.

anita