Dear Anita

Thank you for asking those specific questions about my plans.

“you don’t know on a deeper level what really happened until… she tells you clearly … you operate in the dark, knowing the truth on a superficial level (that dry, academic like knowing), but not on an emotional/ believing-it level. You are stuck in not-really-knowing.” I think now I know what you mean by that. Although I’m trying to see and be aware more of what she did to me, without her acknowledging or confirming. Do you think so? or do you think I still don’t fully see that and don’t fully believe it? For past months I’ve been reading a lot and talking to a friend, also talking to you. I think I see more, although being in contact with her doesn’t help. What do you think.

I kept asking you about your mother sometimes, I just want to apologize if you were sometimes not comfortable with that. One reason was obviously to get to know you better, the other one my thoughts about similarity.  I was wondering what is it that made you so sure despite the fact my life has been similar to yours in this particular case, that also it is the exact same root of suffering in life and there is only one solution.

My plans are finding a better job since may or June, now I have this commitment to teaching till the end of June. That won’t allow me to move out, but I would have more money.

The house in the village, Her option is to sell the half of land there and build a new small house. which would also belong to her, even though I got this after my dad. I don’t want that. In her opinion she would built this house for me to live there, so that I would have a flat in the city and a house in the village, but this flat is not my home, I live in her flat. So in the house I know it would be the same as here, even though my dad gave it to me but it doesn’t feel mine either. I could sell it and buy my own place, or have a small house there, my own, but she won’t let me make decision, and if I do she will never agree for me to do anything separate from her and have my own plans.  I’m scared I will have to fight with her. I don’t even know how to do that. This is my hope but I don’t know how.

I had some plans to sell the half of it and buy a cheaper flat in smaller city. I could afford it, I checked prices of flats in a town 30 kilometres from here. It’s calmer, not that noisy, I would feel better there. Living here is expensive, it’s one of the biggest cities. In small city it would be easier.

Regarding men, I thought about that. I think about what we talk here almost all the time. I’m getting used to these conclusions. Also I’m trying to distance myself after what happened last weeks. It’s not easy, it’s on my mind every second. Also when he called ,he behaved like we are seeing each other again. When I miss him and have the urge to text him I try to remember it’s not real that I need him or that it’s just a feeling that he will save me, not a fact. Sometimes it works. I realized what you wrote earlier that he’s the only man, I’ve ever talked about here, although I’ve been on couple of dates with one guy, very decent and nice. I know everything you told me here, but it’s the hardest part. I wouldn’t hesitate to move out from my mother forever, even tomorrow. But he’s the worst for me to let go.