Dear joanna:

Looking at your two recent posts, the first was quite cheerful, positive. The second-desperate. The difference is  14 hours or so and a conversation with that Tom, in between the posts. Quite clear evidence that this toxic “relation” (your term) is unhealthy and damaging to you.

Problem is, in the past, when you did not have contact with him for a few months, at some point on, you felt even worse, your anxiety increased.

In your most recent post you considered death once again, as a solution to your emotional pain.

How about another solution: packing a small backpack and leaving the city where you live, maybe leaving the country where you live, away from Tom, away from your mother. Going elsewhere. This is a less extreme solution than death, isn’t it?

Wouldn’t it be nice to give yourself the opportunity to be the one choosing where you go, where you live, who you interact with, and no longer  submitting yourself to abuse?

A lifetime of abuse: abuse by your mother, abuse by Tom, staying put for more abuse, away and returning for more abuse. Is it a wonder you feel as badly as you do.

Worth repeating: wouldn’t it be nice if you give yourself the opportunity to no longer submit yourself to any abuse, not by your mother, not by this man, not by anyone?

More abuse will not heal the consequences of past abuse. No abuse is the beginning of healing.

anita