To Peter:

I appreciate your thoughtful reply. Your post has brought my attention to the lack of attention I consciously bring to my dark thoughts. As with everyone else, dark thoughts occur. However, being in this state of self-inflicted suffering, I am attempting to avoid these dark thoughts rather than give them a time of day. The dualistic idea of right and wrong, light and dark have a heavy influence on me as of right now and the result is the need to be in the light, because that’s where I subconsciously think everyone else is. What I fail to bring my attention to is that everyone else also fears their darkness and not all have come to terms with it, just as I struggle with and I should really bring more attention to that fact: I am not alone in how I feel.

And you are right, my inner darkness is desperately clawing for my attention. Always. And it knows that it can get my attention by putting me down and holding me back. There’s something I’m missing in my life and he is trying to tell me. I intend to check out the books you have listed from the library and give them a read. I want to know what I can do to give the proper attention to that half of myself.

To Anita:

You said: “…that very inner critic is the mental representative of real people in your formative years..” and that struck me profoundly. It made me realize that this critic of mine is not a set of memories and people that playover in my head to torture me, but rather an identity, comprised of the various situations which framed my dark emotions that would, in a healthy adult, aid in everyday situations. Such as breaking a leg because you ran too fast down the stairs now serves as a lesson to take your time on the stairs. Rather, my dark identity was made by childhood heroes telling me I will never be good enough. Even when I graduated college, it felt insignificant because all those years ago, I was told I would never be smart enough. While I consciously am proud of my achievement, I still unconsciously believe that dark voice within me.

Thank both of you for your responses. I will bring more attention to this area of my life.