Forum Replies Created
April 4, 2018 at 8:41 am #200823
Why do we always fixate on the negative? From a scientific standpoint, our ancestors could live longer if they were able to identify past threats manifesting in the present moment. For example knowing that the stir of leaves in the woods could potentially be a predator and not just the wind and we alert ourselves to defend our life. As you are well aware, we no longer live in those times. Humans can live in relative comfort from the environment’s dangers, however, our senses and memories still consider threats. These warning signals are our ego trying to save itself because back then, our ego was literally our lives. If you didn’t save it, it was all over, lights out. Our brains continue to function in this way, perceiving insignificant threats now instead of legitimate dangers to life. Anything that damages the ego is remembered as to attempt to avoid possible danger to it in the future. Except now, we are also self-aware and it leads us to judge ourselves for doing this and further hurt ourselves.
Yes I have seen “Inside Out” (a brilliant movie btw) and it applies directly to this. Trying to feel happy all the time and avoiding the negative only makes it harder to remove negativity from your life. “Resistance makes stronger” as I have heard.
As promised, I have been working on listening to these dark thoughts, and releasing them rather than simply ignoring their presence. I cannot give definitive results as it has only been a day, but I can feel more energy and innovation. I’m slightly more motivated on average. Only now I have a pain in my chest (from anxiety). So it seems there was a trade off. Anxiety means I am scared of something, always has been. Could it be I’m afraid of what I might become? Or perhaps it’s unnerving letting myself be free to do things I have been holding back in which case I have not made progress at all.
Your suggestions go on the basis that there was no prior experience to derive a comparison between evaluations. This is not true. Earlier in childhood, the belief was deeply ingrained that I was worth a great deal and my performance in school and home was desirable. Indeed it was, I got As, my younger siblings were trouble makers in the house so I was the good kid. So I had what I was told by my parents as well as what reality had actually shown me that I was worth it. Then suddenly I hear this thing and I cannot remember any other praise I ever received from this person. It was all overwritten in my mind.
I started having thoughts like “Is this true? Was I just lucky? Was it all a lie?” and then my grades suffered and it became reality. So I believe it, and now when I tell myself otherwise, it falls apart.
I don’t know what the problem is. It is definitely one of 2 things:
1) I actually am stupid and worthless and I accept this and move on with mediocre existence. OR
2) I am not worthless and realize this dark part of my mind was conceived when I was a child and that life will only get better when I embrace this part of myself.
The difficult part is understanding which persona was created that day. Am I actually dumb and created a mindset that denies my stupidity and worthlessness? OR am I actually intelligent and a dark shadow was created to drag me down?
Sorry for my ramble! Please understand. Thank you for reading.April 3, 2018 at 1:23 pm #200727
Of course. It simply means that an idol who I thought respected me and wanted me to succeed in life, actually said some pretty mean things insulting my intelligence. And the foolish thing is I believed it and now I’m where I am at because of it. I can hear the voice still and since I’ve been thinking about what you all have said, the shadow sounds remarkably like that voice from my childhood. I may just be imagining it, though I do not see why it cannot be the case.April 3, 2018 at 10:49 am #200713
I appreciate your thoughtful reply. Your post has brought my attention to the lack of attention I consciously bring to my dark thoughts. As with everyone else, dark thoughts occur. However, being in this state of self-inflicted suffering, I am attempting to avoid these dark thoughts rather than give them a time of day. The dualistic idea of right and wrong, light and dark have a heavy influence on me as of right now and the result is the need to be in the light, because that’s where I subconsciously think everyone else is. What I fail to bring my attention to is that everyone else also fears their darkness and not all have come to terms with it, just as I struggle with and I should really bring more attention to that fact: I am not alone in how I feel.
And you are right, my inner darkness is desperately clawing for my attention. Always. And it knows that it can get my attention by putting me down and holding me back. There’s something I’m missing in my life and he is trying to tell me. I intend to check out the books you have listed from the library and give them a read. I want to know what I can do to give the proper attention to that half of myself.
You said: “…that very inner critic is the mental representative of real people in your formative years..” and that struck me profoundly. It made me realize that this critic of mine is not a set of memories and people that playover in my head to torture me, but rather an identity, comprised of the various situations which framed my dark emotions that would, in a healthy adult, aid in everyday situations. Such as breaking a leg because you ran too fast down the stairs now serves as a lesson to take your time on the stairs. Rather, my dark identity was made by childhood heroes telling me I will never be good enough. Even when I graduated college, it felt insignificant because all those years ago, I was told I would never be smart enough. While I consciously am proud of my achievement, I still unconsciously believe that dark voice within me.
Thank both of you for your responses. I will bring more attention to this area of my life.October 11, 2017 at 8:34 am #172745
A struggle with coming out is always hard. For anyone who has ever felt even a little bit wary of others’ judgements on who they are will find this struggle as well. How do you know your family members are homopobic? Have they actively insulted other homosexuals? Hate is fundamentally driven by fear and ignorance. Do you think their views would change on homosexuals if they knew you, their own blood, was gay? Regardless, you should come out, because if this is who you really are, it is not worth the effort of hiding it, even if you’re afraid you will be outcast.
If it gives you any more courage to come out, today and tomorrow are International Coming Out Day. How convenient eh?September 13, 2017 at 12:28 pm #168574
True that. Hearing everything you’re saying and agree. Perhaps just acknowledging that he is an issue and my feelings toward that puts me in a step toward the right direction. And yet even typing this I feel anxious about it. So some part of me wants to feel that love but I can put my focus elsewhere until I can see that I turned out fine considering everything.
Thanks, Anita. Been a pleasure speaking with you on this.September 13, 2017 at 9:09 am #168552
It may seem cliche, but you have to find yourself and be ok with it. Finding a new boyfriend is likely not going to help.September 13, 2017 at 9:05 am #168550
I want to feel compassion for him because I can’t understand why he did what he did. But I’m absolutely certain that it hurt him too, this whole process. I can’t imagine letting down my kid time and time again and then not feel even a little bit remorseful. It doesn’t seem humanly possible and dodging attempts to talk about it and pretending it isn’t an issue just proves it more.
So I want and am ready to forgive him, but he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, so again, I’m left hanging. But cutting him out doesn’t make anything better, so what do? I’m banking too much of my mental health on this one thing, but I can’t let it go for no reason.September 13, 2017 at 7:03 am #168528
Thanks for being so open about those questions, it leads me into some further questions about your views of normal.
1. You mention “Chinese conservative”. What exactly do you mean by this? Is there a level of filial piety within your family?
2. Regarding your voices, the voices you describe seem to be from guilt and shame. They don’t really tell you to do things, do they?September 13, 2017 at 6:46 am #168526
I do intend to seek counseling, I’m currently saving up to attend sessions. Money is a big factor but I am working on it. That’s the reason why it isn’t done yet.
My emotional guard is the need to protect my already fragile emotions by simply detaching emotion from everything. It was originally to prevent myself from being hurt by bullies, but now it affects my ability to feel joy and compassion for others.
The person is my father. He promised he wouldn’t leave and then he did. He also promised never to make me feel inferior, and yet he did. He is just full of broken promises. I was outwardly mad at him for a while, but that tapered off and now it’s just a deep feeling of emptiness. Because he left when he promised not to, it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and now I’m emotional scarred for it. I’ve talked to him about it and he repeatedly denies responsibility, placing the blame on my mother. That’s the most frustrating part of this whole thing, yet I can’t just let this go. It’s like he needs to say he screwed up in order for me to feel any better about it, which is really lame on my part. That emotional guard is preventing me from feeling compassion for the pain he feels in leaving his kid.
We talk, not regularly. We keep missing calls and never getting back to it. Texts occasionally. He came to my wedding and expressed interest in having a relationship, however, I could feel he wanted to avoid addressing the real issue.September 13, 2017 at 6:30 am #168518
Your name is very pretty. Just wanted to throw that out there.
As with any belief system or belief at all, it is difficult to simply walk away from it. Many of us have beliefs that are embedded within us from our experiences and practices. Religion is one of those things that can affect you long after you stop practicing.
You already know that the shame and guilt you feel is that belief making a self-fulfilling prophecy. But this can also be healed on your own terms. The most difficult thing when leaving a belief is finding something else to believe in more. Otherwise, you will feel that guilt from leaving. If I were you, I would explore other belief systems, compare them, see how they are similar and different and choose which one you believe in the most. There are many paths like buddhism, hinduism, science, etc, or you could simply believe in your present moment. Whatever you decide, it is your choice which is ultimately what you’re after. You’re tired of following, that much is true. Christianity is all about sheep and shepherds.
Be free and be healthy, ChelcieSeptember 12, 2017 at 6:58 am #168384
I don’t know why people refuse to give problems like these attention. People struggle with kind of inner turmoil constantly yet they are often ignored by others. I’m so sorry I took this long to respond.
You are not a bad person. Simply the fact that you are looking for help proves this. You don’t want to have these negative, self-centered thoughts so there is a part of you who is very good and hates to see you be like this. While I understanding the jist of what you wrote and what you mean, I want to clarify a few things and ask a little deeper to find a possible cause for these habitual thoughts.
1. Who was the person you had the non-mutual relationship with? Also, why do you say that it was non-mutual? Did you end it? Or did they?
2. Can you attribute your thoughts and behaviors to how your parents raised you?
3. How would you rate your self-esteem? High or low?
Just from what I read though, it sounds like you might be grieving over the loss of that person and it is affecting your energies in a way that makes you judging and callous. I hope you can feel better about this and I will do what I can to help.September 11, 2017 at 11:45 am #168326
Dear Cali Sister,
I am very sorry for your suffering and it sounds extremely stressful for you. It is very hard to handle these feelings and it hurts you tremendously. Cali, may I call you that? I have just a few questions, seeing as this is a pretty loaded subject. This is your life after all.
1. You said you have a hard time at work. Is this because you are not happy with your job? Are there people there who bother you?
2. You explain that you are very restless as you progress through your job. What kind of work do you do? What is it about your job that you feel anxious about it? When you worry about getting worried in the afternoon, it often amplifies your anxiety. Try to pinpoint the cause of that anxiety, without putting too much pressure on yourself, Cali.
3. Not everyone is proud of our actions, especially under the influence. Is one of the people you texted drunkenly this Y man?
4. You say that you do not feel adequate enough in life because of past circumstances and experiences. Is this anxiety similar to the anxiety you feel at work? Or is the cause, this man?
5. You tell us that you completely ignore this man when you invite him, yell at him to get away from him and then beg him to not leave you and give a second chance. First off, this sounds heartbreaking because your inner tension is creating these anxious feelings that well up and get out of control. It pushes people away from you when you want to be near them. You also said “the conclusion of the meeting is – “i want to see you later this week, but i need some time to think right now””. He said it right there: he wants to see you again. Use this time to not worry about what he thinks of you and to work on yourself.
No matter what happens, it will be ok, Cali. Please don’t hurt yourself.September 11, 2017 at 7:55 am #168304
You’re right. I focused on your situation and how I can help you.
Thanks 🙂September 11, 2017 at 7:21 am #168296
Judging by how long this thread is, I do not think this conversation will help you see things the way they are. It will only feed you information that you will attempt to distort into a reality with you and him together. Trust me, I’ve been there and it sucks.
You need to bring your focus on something else, someone else… anything else.September 8, 2017 at 12:19 pm #167944
You cut contact with people when they are no longer serving as a positive influence in your life. Typically, parents are always a source of encouragement, positive energy and wisdom in someone’s life so a lot of people love their parents and keep them in their life till death and beyond. But here, they are very clearly a negative influence and you’ve already talked to them about your issues and desires with little understanding from them, so you should cut contact as soon as legally possible. That is my advice. Others might say a parental relationship is important, but this one is clearly toxic and belittling so it will only serve to hold you back.
I have faith that no matter what decision you make, you will be strong and make it through.