To start off, I am gay, and have been debating wether I should just come out or not. Every time I even think about doing something this crazy, I feel closer than ever to reality (I have derealization). I also have these weird depressive episodes, and I also feel really detached then. I don’t know if me questioning every single thing I do is making me feel detached. I just want to let everything out into the world, and not care what anybody says.
So, my parents, along with my brother are homophobic. However, my oldest brother is not. I just want to be me and not care what other people think. Should I just come out?
I also feel very on top of the world when I even think about doing things like this, if that has anything to do with it.
Clearly you suffer from anxiety, an ongoing state of fear which is responsible for the derealization you mentioned. The thought or feel of not caring what other people think and of coming out is very liberating, making you “feel very on top of the world”. It feels on top of the world to not be afraid anymore.
Unfortunately, it is not that easy to free oneself of fear. And so, considering you shared that you live in a conservative society with mostly homophobic family, my answer to your question (the title of your thread) is No, you should not “just, come out”. Manage and heal from your anxiety first, for some time before you come out. Come out after you go through some healing and management of your anxiety.
You are not involved in a love relationship with a man, as I understand it, so there is no relationship that needs to be attended to as a reason to coming out. You already came out to some supportive friends, and to your oldest brother, so keep sharing with them.
A struggle with coming out is always hard. For anyone who has ever felt even a little bit wary of others' judgements on who they are will find this struggle as well. How do you know your family members are homopobic? Have they actively insulted other homosexuals? Hate is fundamentally driven by fear and ignorance. Do you think their views would change on homosexuals if they knew you, their own blood, was gay? Regardless, you should come out, because if this is who you really are, it is not worth the effort of hiding it, even if you're afraid you will be outcast.
If it gives you any more courage to come out, today and tomorrow are International Coming Out Day. How convenient eh?
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