I thought I was better

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    cali sister

    i was not doing too well for a while. even had a plan to end my life in may. but then i got on track, went to therapy twice a week, moved away from home toxicity. i moved across the country. and immediately was so much happier. the depression, suicidal thoughts? all gone. even though i moved without knowing anyone here, i was happier. however, my anxiety always finds its way in. making each day so difficult to live. and recently, i find myself decompensating. the anxiety is taking over.

    1. i am having a really hard time at work – finding motivation at work. i have no desire to try. and its an exhausting feeling because i want to try and i know that i can be great – but it is not within me. i push myself so much to find it. where is it.

    2. my entire work day is consumed with anxiety. the morning goes ok, but after lunch around 1:30 pm – i cannot stand it at work. yes no one can. no one wants to be there – but for me its different. i feel like i need to jump out of my skin. i feel so restless, overwhelmed, tired, bored, angry. i cannot handle it. i want to explode. it is such an exhausting feeling to go through on a daily basis. to the point where now im also kind of scared of that time – bc i know what is to come

    3. i am not a drinker. i only drink socially with friends. yesterday, my friend and i made plans for a brunch where we had unlimited mimosas. day started out fine – fun girl time and drinks. then without realizing we both got drunk – which is fine. i know how to handle myself. but i was different yesterday. something happened to me. first – i texted many people very blunt and rash things that were what seemed to be totally random. i read them this morning and think…what the hell was i doing.

    4. let’s back track a little – i started dating this boy – lets call him Y. It happened kind of by mistake. I do not think i am completely ready to date or am completely stable – but how can you really know when you are anyway (that’s a topic for another day). Anyway, me and Y ended up getting along and have seen each other quite a few times. all is well.  BOOM. my anxiety takes over. i fear this feeling that someone has control over me now bc i like them. i have never felt adequate enough in life bc the way i have been raised and also how men have treated me in relationships. my anxiety about this boy drives me insane and does not let me focus on anything else. THIS. this is probably why i should not meet someone right now, but fine, life happens.

    5. yesterday, after brunch, my friend, her friend, and i all went drunk swimming. i told them about Y and we decided to tell him to come (of course). i was so excited for him to come. so very excited. however, the moment he came, i ignored him entirely. i did not say hi and didnt speak to him once or look at him once the entire evening. i know what my inner self is doing. its scared. its pushing him away. it doesnt know how to behave. but HOW ABNORMAL. and then he dropped me home and i was so rude to him and just told him to drop me on the street–why? why was i yelling at him for no reason? he had done nothing that day to me. we then had a convo on the phone – this entire part is a little fuzzy – and he basically said he doenst want something like this in his life and he doenst know if he can do it. BOOM. my fight turns on. i see myself, standing outside my parking garage, begging someone  who i just met to give me a second chance. i have played this pattern many times. i find myself opening up my heart saying all these personal things and telling Y that this isnt who i am and he just needs to hear me out. he even came back and i refused to get in the car. i am doing all of this to myself. i dont want the conclusion of what happens but i make it happen on purpose and then feel like death after. he then agreed to meet me at a local place. i went, and could not look him in the eye. the conclusion of the meeting is – “i want to see you later this week, but i need some time to think right now”. those words kill me.

    Today, I wake up and am unable to move or function. it was the final trigger. i am shaking. crying. i call out of work. contact my therapist and make an appointment for today. i dont know what is happening..i thought i was better. this is such a scary feeling right now. i do not even know what to do. how to be. how to think. how to walk. how to function. how to go brush my teeth. i just cant. i am just so scared. i cannot move. i feel confused and angry. idk how to fix this. why did i act so crazy yesterday. why did i let Y or anyone see this side of me. whats wrong with me


    Hi Cali…Ya mind if I abbreviate?

    I just have a few questions for you if you don’t mind. You said, “i was not doing too well for a while. even had a plan to end my life in may. but then i got on track,… What was happening before you got on track? What made it so bad that you thought of ending your life? What’s going on at home to call it “home toxicity?” Is it fair for me to say that maybe some of the anxiety might be due to a history of instability, such as at home? Home instability can carry over into adulthood and cause some crazy anxiety. You said you moved cross country. From where to where? What is the type of work that  you do? What is the industry? Moving cross country to get away from some bad juju and landing a job where you virtually don’t know anyone is a huge anxiety trigger. You said, “whats wrong with me?” Nothing is wrong with you. You had/have a lot of some serious stuff going on and you got backed into a corner and now, perhaps you feel overwhelmed in dealing with all these things going on. Keep the therapy appointment and let us know what’s going on.




    Dear Cali Sister,

    I am very sorry for your suffering and it sounds extremely stressful for you. It is very hard to handle these feelings and it hurts you tremendously. Cali, may I call you that? I have just a few questions, seeing as this is a pretty loaded subject. This is your life after all.

    1. You said you have a hard time at work. Is this because you are not happy with your job? Are there people there who bother you?

    2. You explain that you are very restless as you progress through your job. What kind of work do you do? What is it about your job that you feel anxious about it? When you worry about getting worried in the afternoon, it often amplifies your anxiety. Try to pinpoint the cause of that anxiety, without putting too much pressure on yourself, Cali.

    3. Not everyone is proud of our actions, especially under the influence. Is one of the people you texted drunkenly this Y man?

    4. You say that you do not feel adequate enough in life because of past circumstances and experiences. Is this anxiety similar to the anxiety you feel at work? Or is the cause, this man?

    5. You tell us that you completely ignore this man when you invite him, yell at him to get away from him and then beg him to not leave you and give a second chance. First off, this sounds heartbreaking because your inner tension is creating these anxious feelings that well up and get out of control. It pushes people away from you when you want to be near them. You also said “the conclusion of the meeting is – “i want to see you later this week, but i need some time to think right now””. He said it right there: he wants to see you again. Use this time to not worry about what he thinks of you and to work on yourself.

    No matter what happens, it will be ok, Cali. Please don’t hurt yourself.


    Dear cali sister:

    I have the benefit of remembering yours and mostly your sister’s threads in the past.

    The good news is that it is very possible for you to live a better life on an ongoing basis, to develop a healthier and healthier state of mind, confidence in your ability to function well, to function for your own benefit on a consistent basis.

    I believe that you experienced lots of fear living with your mother and her compliant, passive husband (your father). When you fear “that someone has control over me now bc i like them”, I think it is your fear of your mother being activated.

    I hope your psychotherapy is effective. It takes time but it also takes a quality therapist. I hope your sessions include more than “talk therapy” and more than getting insight into the past; that it teaches you skills, such as mindfulness, practical ways to calm yourself and new ways of thinking (such as in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy exercises).

    If you have ongoing contact with your mother, it may be necessary for you to cut all contact, at least for a while, while you attend therapy.

    Psychiatric drugs may be needed on the short term, as needed.

    Please post again, anytime.


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