September 11, 2017 at 8:33 pm #168362
Hi I'm writing this as I'm struggling because of my voices inside my head. I hope to get some insights and positive feedback here.
I don't know where to start really. The voices inside my head telling me that I'm a bad person. It started when I ended a non-mutual relationship with a person. It told me that I'm an attention seeker because I just wanted the attention although I don't have real feelings.
And it continues. When I wan on bus and didn't give my seat to an old woman, the voice told me I'm a bad person. When my friend shred her story, I judged her inside my head and I felt like a bad person. The judging voices sound like “She's self centered”, “Meh, it's not important to hear this”, or “I'm not really sincere talking to her and giving all the compliments”.
I feel like I'm going crazy with those voices. I don't want to have those thoughts. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to feel like I'm better than people around me, arrogant. But those voices are there and it made me think I'm really a bad person here. I have read a lot of emotional articles in tinybuddha. I know it's the battle inside. I have to believe that I'm not what those voices told me. But some days, I feel like going crazy with this. Am I really a bad person inside? I'm happy to hear your replies.September 12, 2017 at 6:58 am #168384
I don't know why people refuse to give problems like these attention. People struggle with kind of inner turmoil constantly yet they are often ignored by others. I'm so sorry I took this long to respond.
You are not a bad person. Simply the fact that you are looking for help proves this. You don't want to have these negative, self-centered thoughts so there is a part of you who is very good and hates to see you be like this. While I understanding the jist of what you wrote and what you mean, I want to clarify a few things and ask a little deeper to find a possible cause for these habitual thoughts.
1. Who was the person you had the non-mutual relationship with? Also, why do you say that it was non-mutual? Did you end it? Or did they?
2. Can you attribute your thoughts and behaviors to how your parents raised you?
3. How would you rate your self-esteem? High or low?
Just from what I read though, it sounds like you might be grieving over the loss of that person and it is affecting your energies in a way that makes you judging and callous. I hope you can feel better about this and I will do what I can to help.September 12, 2017 at 7:19 am #168386
I read through your previous thread and reading this one, I wonder:
when you were a child, you loved your parent or parents, naturally. Did the parent you loved respond to your love with hostility, cold/ indifferent or aggressively hostile, blaming you, pointing the finger at you as the cause of their misfortune, their distress?
anitaSeptember 12, 2017 at 10:18 am #168416
Thanks for writing back. So to answer your questions:
1. A person, met at an event. We became close and I got really attached. It was not mutual because i didn't feel the love meanwhile the person loved me so much. We ended it.
2. I'm raised like normal. Well, my family is Chinese conservative but I'm not living in China. I can't hug or kiss my parents, it's just awkward and we are not accustomed to do that. Even saying I love you, it's just not our family thing. But I talk to them normally, joke around, and share daily stories. To my siblings too.
3. In high school, I didn't feel like this. I'm sure that before senior high school, I had a good self-esteem. But now, i can say that my self-esteem is low because I'm easily offended by critics.
I'm trying hard every day to not let the evil thoughts control me. I know it's there. So what I'm doing now is not to get into my thought too much. If I think it's gonna make me crazy, I will step back from my thought and take it easy. Thanks once again, Patrick.
felita.September 12, 2017 at 10:24 am #168418
Thank you for replying since my first thread. Your dedication is highly appreciated.
I just think I'm raised normally. No intimate relationship but not cold either. Just normal and average. But one thing I remember about bad childhood memory is when I asked questions to my mom. I was a curious kid so I asked a lot. I remember when I was under age 10 (I don't really remember my exact age), I asked my mom “mom, what is the meaning of ‘that'?” (I asked it in my native language so yeah maybe you won't really get the context) and my mom answered “are you really don't know or pretend to not know?”. It's kinda shock to me that my mom thought like that. maybe she thought I just wanted attention or what. But my relationship with my mom now is okay tho. Just normal.September 12, 2017 at 10:49 am #168420
You wrote that you were raised normal, “Just normal”. Normal, as in usual, ordinary, regular as far as raising children is far from being the best way to raise children. It is so, I believe, in every culture.
In the incident you shared about you asked your mother a question. It was an innocent question. There was no evil intent behind or underneath your question, no pretense. It was 100% honest.
Her answer to you was it not the same as if she phrased it this way: you, Felita are lying to me, to your own mother!
And if so, is it not an evil daughter who would lie to her own mother?
anitaSeptember 12, 2017 at 2:24 pm #168426
When you talk about hearing voices in your head, do you hear the voices as negative self talk or voices coming from some place else?September 13, 2017 at 6:32 am #168520
what do you mean by that?
That's good point. But how do you differentiate where the voice comes from?September 13, 2017 at 6:44 am #168524
I will rewrite to you what I wrote earlier then:
You wrote that you were “raised normally. No intimate relationship but not cold either. Just normal and average”.
My comment: a child needs an “intimate relationship” with a parent/ a care taker, so not having such makes a childhood not a good childhood even if it is what is average/ normal.
Regarding you asking your mother a question and she answering: “are you really don’t know or pretend to not know?” means to me that she accused you of dishonesty, suggesting that you knew the answer to your own question but was pretending to not know and tricking your mother that way. Am I correct?
anitaSeptember 13, 2017 at 7:03 am #168528
Thanks for being so open about those questions, it leads me into some further questions about your views of normal.
1. You mention “Chinese conservative”. What exactly do you mean by this? Is there a level of filial piety within your family?
2. Regarding your voices, the voices you describe seem to be from guilt and shame. They don't really tell you to do things, do they?September 13, 2017 at 2:01 pm #168582
Self talk is the inner dialog we hold with ourselves. For example, we do something dumb and we keep telling ourselves were dumb, stupid, ugly, evil as we review the memory over and over.
Voices we hear as coming from outside ourselves, that only we hear, is a different matter.