Peter:

Why do we always fixate on the negative? From a scientific standpoint, our ancestors could live longer if they were able to identify past threats manifesting in the present moment. For example knowing that the stir of leaves in the woods could potentially be a predator and not just the wind and we alert ourselves to defend our life. As you are well aware, we no longer live in those times. Humans can live in relative comfort from the environment’s dangers, however, our senses and memories still consider threats. These warning signals are our ego trying to save itself because back then, our ego was literally our lives. If you didn’t save it, it was all over, lights out. Our brains continue to function in this way, perceiving insignificant threats now instead of legitimate dangers to life. Anything that damages the ego is remembered as to attempt to avoid possible danger to it in the future. Except now, we are also self-aware and it leads us to judge ourselves for doing this and further hurt ourselves.

Yes I have seen “Inside Out” (a brilliant movie btw) and it applies directly to this. Trying to feel happy all the time and avoiding the negative only makes it harder to remove negativity from your life. “Resistance makes stronger” as I have heard.

As promised, I have been working on listening to these dark thoughts, and releasing them rather than simply ignoring their presence. I cannot give definitive results as it has only been a day, but I can feel more energy and innovation. I’m slightly more motivated on average. Only now I have a pain in my chest (from anxiety). So it seems there was a trade off. Anxiety means I am scared of something, always has been. Could it be I’m afraid of what I might become? Or perhaps it’s unnerving letting myself be free to do things I have been holding back in which case I have not made progress at all.

Anita:

Your suggestions go on the basis that there was no prior experience to derive a comparison between evaluations. This is not true. Earlier in childhood, the belief was deeply ingrained that I was worth a great deal and my performance in school and home was desirable. Indeed it was, I got As, my younger siblings were trouble makers in the house so I was the good kid. So I had what I was told by my parents as well as what reality had actually shown me that I was worth it. Then suddenly I hear this thing and I cannot remember any other praise I ever received from this person. It was all overwritten in my mind.

I started having thoughts like “Is this true? Was I just lucky? Was it all a lie?” and then my grades suffered and it became reality. So I believe it, and now when I tell myself otherwise, it falls apart.

I don’t know what the problem is. It is definitely one of 2 things:

1) I actually am stupid and worthless and I accept this and move on with mediocre existence. OR

2) I am not worthless and realize this dark part of my mind was conceived when I was a child and that life will only get better when I embrace this part of myself.

The difficult part is understanding which persona was created that day. Am I actually dumb and created a mindset that denies my stupidity and worthlessness? OR am I actually intelligent and a dark shadow was created to drag me down?

Sorry for my ramble! Please understand. Thank you for reading.