Dear Anita,

You write “This has changed: it is no longer worth it for you, to stand by her side.. or sleep by her side on the same bed.”

It’s very painful for me. Whether it is worth it depends more on the outcome: If this is part of the phase where she has to accept the bad times with the good ones, and there’s a reasonable chance she can regain her feelings, then I would like to stick it out a bit longer. I have read that this is not uncommen.

I feel that if I ask her to leave now, it will be more because I can’t handle the emotions then that I believe she has given up. I think I should at least wait to see what her therapist has to say.

But it’s all so confusing and I don’t know that to believe. I am trying to weigh the balance to decide which is true.

On the positive:

• She still stalks about the future, about things as being together. (Is that habit or intent?)
• She wants to stay in the house.
• She has agreed to couples counseling.
• She still wants to do nice things together.
• She slept in my arms for a bit this morning.
• We went dancing tonight and had fun.

On the negative

• In her behavior, she remains cold and distant for the most part.
• She isn’t asking me about what I’d like to do.

We had a long talk yesterday as I asked her whether she still wanted to do things together. She said she very much wants to keep working on our relationship. But she also said that bringing it up in long conversations each day is not helping her. She said her biggest fear was that the way we are dealing with this situation is what will cause the relationship to fail in the end. She has asked for some space, not to discuss the situation every day.

Rationally speaking, the above would seem positive, in that she is putting in effort. She has not generally been a person to be dishonest or abuse someone’s good will.

Emotionally speaking, I am riddled with fear and doubt: is this a phase? Does she enjoy other people more than me. Is she being dishonest. Should I give her more space, even when she might want to spend time together. Should I ask her to leave.

You are all right on one thing though: writing the above makes me realize I am not considering what I need. Perhaps I should spend more time on finding what I need and enjoy and less on trying to spend a lot of time together. Maybe that is the best way to bare it for now.

Thanks, writing and reading your responses helps a great deal even if it doesn’t change the situation.