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Dear people, I have been reading many posts on this forum to help me get through my situation but I am sharing my predicament as I am completely stuck and don’t know what do to or how to act.
In short, my girlfriend of 6 years is no longer sure that she loves me. She thinks she has associated the tough and painful times of the past 6 years with me, and she wants to be rid of those memories. She is seeking support from her therapist soon but I am at a loss on how to behave in the meanwhile and could do with your thoughts and advice.
It’s a long and complicated story which I have written out in full so that you have all the context. For those that read the whole thing, let me express my gratitude beforehand.
When I met my girlfriend, she was in her final year at college to become a biology teacher, after previously having completed a bachelors in law. At the time she suffered a lot from stress about finishing her subjects and passing her final exams. In the end, she suffered a complete breakdown/burn-out from the stress of her teaching internships. She could not cope with the workload and also the high-school kids; the need to constantly keep them in check, motive them, and the harsh unfiltered judgement from kids that age.
After that, she could no longer work and suffered from anxiety, depression and even suicidal tendencies. She went into extended sick leave and started anti-anxiety/depression medication and over the past 5 years, followed a number of psychotherapy programs (cognitive behavioral therapy, full-time group therapy) to address her challenges, sometimes with a part-time next to this.
I learnt early on in the relationship that her problems did not stem from her college time, but that she had had a very tough childhood. Her brothers and father where always negative about her accomplishments. Her mother was going through a depression, which made my girlfriend constantly walk on eggshells so as not to upset her mother. Her mother had a number of abusive/drunk partners and for a while, when she was in her late teens, she had a stepfather that acted overtly sexual towards her and in the end defrauded the family.
It has been hard going these 6 years, with marks on the walls and myself from the times that I had to physically restrain her from trying to hurt herself or leaving in anger knowing that she might hurt herself. When we changed medications to see if other combinations would have more effect and fewer side effects, there would be hard periods where she would doubt everything I said or accuse me of all kinds of things. She would often voice her fear of me breaking up with her and we’ve had many arguments revolving around her anxiety or fears for non-existent situations.
There have been times when I considered breaking up with her, when things got so wild that I really didn’t think it would ever get better.
But the thing is, I love her. Even with the difficult times, they have also been 6 great years, with lots of love, travelling, unique shared experiences, deep conversations, shared understanding and more. When I met her, she was strong, outspoken, independent, smart, and outgoing. All things I valued in her. Our characters match: we are both very analytical and our beliefs about life and overall preferences are very much aligned. Even through all these hard times, I could see the wonderful person I first met was still there and that it was worth standing by her side. She continued to work on her issues, and I was committed to support her. For the past year, things were looking up and we have actually been planning and preparing bit by bit to sail around the world.
Fast forward to last February. We had figured out that her current part-time job was dragging her down again. We had long been looking for a new direction for her and had finally found a re-education program for her that she was really enthusiastic about. One that would challenge her analytical mind and would guarantee her a job at a good company. The first two months where a breeze for her and she really enjoyed it. She made new friends at college, enjoyed the course and even though it was a challenging program, she kept at it.
With her new-found energy also came a new phase in her behavior. She started to voice criticism on our relationship. I had been working a lot and not having a great time, so I was often working in the evening hours. Before I left for a two week business trip, we agreed that we would work to spend more quality time together and have more fun.
During the business trip, she also had a break from college and during this time she went out dancing a lot (we met on the dance floor), but she hid this from me until she accidentally blurted it out. She had kept it from me because she didn’t want me criticizing her choices. In the past, I was always looking out for her, making sure that she would not over-exert herself but recently I have been generally very supportive of her freedom and her making her own choices now that she was in good spirits and had a new-found drive. But she still thought I would think badly of her and became very defensive.
It also turned out that she had a (male) college friend over to stay in our spare bedroom, without discussing this with me. I did not fear that she had cheated on me, but we had an big argument about trust, that I would not have minded if she had asked me but that I really felt hurt that she did not ask me beforehand. She again was very defensive. She has explained to me that with her new-found drive, she has also become very selfish and that she does not want to be hindered. That she hated that she would have to discuss this with me and not just be able to decide for herself.
After I got back from my business trip, we talked a lot of this through but she became distant and cold, not responding to gestures of love such as touching or kissing. When I confronted her about what I had noticed, she said she no longer new if the loved me. She said the loved me as a person, and that she could not think of a better person to be in a relationship with but that she was no longer sure that she loved me.
After more conversations, we figured out that now that she was in high spirits with a new environment and success at her new college program, she wanted to forget these difficult past 6 years. She associated me with the past 6 years and I was now also a painful reminder, one that did not fit in her new phase. She understands that she is running away from her past, and that she needs to accept the painful years as part of her life but we also realize this will need time and effort from her.
She still talks about the near future, about a number of months ahead, which provides me with some hope that she’s not considering bailing on me just yet. She’s also scheduled a couple of sessions with her therapist to discuss her new negative association with the past 6 years and my place in this. We both hope that she will be able to process her negative associations and regain her love for me.
In the meanwhile, she has decided she wants to stay in the house but one day we can have a nice day together and go out for dinner and dancing, the next day she is distant and unresponsive. We still sleep in the same bed but the no longer sleeps in my arms or touches me. We used to always walk hand in hand, sleep in each other’s arms, now the best I can hope for is a quick kiss on the lips but without conviction.
This last part is what is killing me. We used to have a very tactile relationship. My love-language is very much physical intimacy and with that gone, I am really insecure and anxious. The constant rejection pains me and I find it very hard to sleep next to her. I am constantly hoping that she’ll reach out and touch me when I lay beside her and it pains me that she doesn’t.
I also no longer know how to act around her. It’s clear that my usual caring and attentive nature is no longer appreciated. Its too much for her and it’s working counterproductive. She’s testing to see what happens when she spends time in another room away from me.
It’s killing me that in the space of 1-2 months, we’ve gone from planning a round the world trip to her no longer loving me. From 6 years where I stood next to her with her fearful of me leaving her, to her considering leaving me.
What should I do? Should I give her more space, sleep in a different room, stop trying to touch/kiss/hug her? Should I go out more to see if she realizes with me gone more often that she misses me? Or will this just reinforce her idea of leaving me being beneficial to her mental health?
I really don’t know what to do and would appreciate any insights or advice you could share.
Hi Jonathan,
As I read through your post, my sense is that your girlfriend has worked through some things she has struggled with, that you have been by her side and extremely supportive through it all, and now she has come through her struggles only to feel that perhaps she no longer loves you.
I wonder if you are aware that, based on what you have posted, a lot of your relationship seems to revolve around her needs – emotional, job-wise, being happy, negative. When you were putting in a lot of hours at work and she became critical, your response was to try to make her happy once again. This is noble and loving, but I wonder…what do YOU want from relationship? And going forward, what do you need from the relationship?
You say your love language is physical intimacy and you are no longer getting that. You say she is testing to see what happens when she spends time in another room away from you. By not openly telling you about her going out dancing and having the college friend overnight, she has lied to you by omission. She may be trying to spare your feelings, or she may be trying to figure this out herself, but it sounds like, at best, the relationship is changing. At worst, it might be over.
You asked for advice and insight. My thought is that your girlfriend needs to figure out some things yet and is still trying to figure things out. Maybe it is time to let her figure it out, and for you to take care of you. Something needs to change. Maybe this will mean that you both agree to see other people. Or that you continue to live together, but in separate rooms. Or that you break up completely. As it is, her behavior keeps you in a holding pattern. This doesn’t seem fair to you, and I wonder if you can see yourself doing this, happily, for the rest of your life.
Airene
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