Well .to make the beginning short and sweet we had talked a few days before we moved out.

Nothing really seemed to be getting anywhere and I was kind of feeling like he was trying to stone wall me back into the situation.

You know he was on that “I cant be with you and not live together crap.”
So I guess trying to reinforce that statement he kept waiting I guess for me to change my mind and tell him I wasnt going.

That didnt happen. What did happen was I left and he is now in a different state working a traveling contracting job. I took him to the airport last Monday morning the vibe was “ok”

Since then its just been tension!. Almost like he is bothered by not having control over me anymore so every time I talk to him we end up in a disagreement.

We had a big blow up that just was literally all over the place. To the point where I was just like “ok…email the leasing lady and tell her the address you want your deposit to go to (cuz he was sending it to me)” and we basically were like “its done.”

He went from a argument about social media, to talking about Hunt, to talking about Leo and then the entire conversation just erupted. in the end He basically said “Thank you for wasting my f***ing time” and that was the day before yesterday night.

I just was over it.

I thought about it all day yesterday and he just isnt the man for me.

Regardless of the love…it doesnt matter.

So I have this urge to kind of just purge him from my life as much as possble. but Idk why I have in the back of my head like I am going to “hurt” him. He doesnt give a F when he hurts me or my feelings.

I changed all my password to my stuff. took him off my snapchat (he had already removed me because hes a child), hid my relationship status on facebook and want to delete all the pictures of us.

I dont know why I feel anxious in saying it and doing it.

But I also dont know why I hesitated. Like questioning myself like “oh wait a couple days” FOR WHAT??

Because I am DECIDING in lucid frame of mind he is not the man for me, he makes me weak, our relationship feed off codependency, he does not bring out the best in me, he stresses me to the point where it physically effects me, I am not respected, and I am only heard at his discretion, he judges me, he doesnt trust me…I CANNOT BE WITH HIM. Its toxic its unhealthy.

The conversation that occured Monday effected me so deeply because beyond all that occurs with us. He never could get to me in regards of changing my idea of reality. and the other day during this conversation I found myself that next day questioning who I was. If what I had done was “ok.” like he was now my judge and jury. The conversation was about my past. He was almost persecuting me for having “not” told him about me and Leo. (I am 100% positive I told him) but it gets brought up in this conversation and he acts like he never heard it before and so now that changes everything to him supposedly and that he would have left me a long time ago if he had know that etc etc.

I really felt like wtf are you thinking….I have never questioned my past relationships and who I have chosen or not chosen to sleep with. I have never quantified it for a level of validation from anyone but especially the men I date. Its my past and it I dont have to justify it to anyone. That has always been my feelings. But this MF really had be questioning myself likeeee…”have i slept with too many people” “is there not enough distance between my partners” “am I …dare I say it..’hoe'”??

And then I had to snap back to reality for a second and take a good look. I was picking myself apart about something that will NEVER change because its the past. and for what? for who? Hes not a virgin….Im not the only …or even 2nd person he has slept with. He needs to get off his fucking high horse and stop judging people….

So that kind set this off. But I know I am weak for him…so I just have this intense urge to solidify my VERY SMART LOGICAL decision by doing something that not only prevent me from going back to him…but almost make him mad enough or get under his skin enough that he will not reach out to me again (i.e status, snapchat, deleting photos). ….which we know him he walked around in our damn house for almost a month without having a conversation sooo but you never know…this is when people like to surprise you smh smh

So I am sure. Nothing is changing or getting better and I cant deal with it. I dont have to. Regardless of my transgressions I am too damn nice and can do better and be with someone who treats me better.