Dear Anita,

Thank you for describing the view of my “old self” as being nostalgic. I can finally understand the way I have been perceiving everything I do and everything I have been trying to become. You’re right, when you want out of something you quickly think back to a happier time and forget the parts where it got ugly. I now realize that there is no going back and only moving forward. In addition, I have come to find that some of my anxiety and trouble believing in myself comes from my repetitive nature to seek out problems and solutions that have no true existence. You can’t worry about and start diving deeper into a problem when you don’t have the facts and that was exactly what I was doing. I was constantly thinking my medicine wasn’t enough and that somehow I wasn’t as smart or capable anymore, but none of that is true. It is only a self-fulfilling prophecy created in my mind.

In terms of the relationship, it’s one that is not something I necessarily want to get out of but rather take a step back from. I want to give less of my time to her so that she can understand and learn I need time for myself and my goals in life. For too long I have turned my back to many opportunities because of the deep down fear of abandonment and loss of my hard earned investment. The truth is, the more I pull away from her, while still being myself and putting in the right amount of effort, the more polarity it creates drawing her closer to me. Now, it may drive her crazy but it is something she is going to have to learn to deal with.

And I would agree that Zoloft and any other psychiatric drug have no ability to cure, but rather mask and contain the problems and only to a certain extent. I still get anxious, sometimes extremely anxious and full of adrenaline, so I know this is the case. It’s time for me to drive my anxious, driven energy into my future and into my goals rather than onto current and essentially non existent problems.

I’m considering psychotherapy so that I can get to the root of my internal problems and eliminate some of the detrimental thinking I still have deep down.

Scott