Hello Anita,

I read through some of the previous conversations we’ve had. I think that my anxiety does make it seem as if my Zoloft isn’t working, but it is always hard to tell with SSRIs. Obviously the effect of antidepressants isn’t an instantaneous type of relief, it is a long term type of buffer towards for our brain’s biochemistry and neurotransmitter functioning. I told you I went down to 50 mg of Zoloft for a while but it seems as if that was too much for me to do alone, I should’ve gotten in touch with my doctor because I’ve been on the antidepressant for years. But, I started taking 100 mg of Zoloft daily and it seems that the uneasiness is gone. I just now find that my problem is finding my purpose and energy where I’m at.

I used to have so much energy and drive and now it seems that I look for it daily. Some days I have a passion and drive and others I do not. I just want to be my old self, the one when I first got on the medicine whether or not some of it was a placebo effect. Honestly, it might be having a girlfriend that has changed my thinking. My dad always had trouble with his relationships and I wonder if there is a subconscious or underlying belief that makes me feel unable to handle a relationship and go after things in life. He always seemed to function better with having someone there to fulfill his life and take care of him, but it was like he could never say no or speak his mind. In a way, I feel like I’m in that same position. I know that he had some mental problems growing up, I never really understood it, or learned much about it, but I know he had bouts of depression throughout adulthood.

Do you think my problem has to do with my passion in life, my girlfriend, or something to do with my biochemistry? Is it a combination of these? How can I take steps to move forward in life. I want to grow and become successful like I’ve dreamed of as a child. Become a doctor, help people, make a wonderful salary and be able to raise a family being financially stable and take vacations and what not. Let me know what you think from here.

Scott

Dear Anita,

Thank you for describing the view of my “old self” as being nostalgic. I can finally understand the way I have been perceiving everything I do and everything I have been trying to become. You’re right, when you want out of something you quickly think back to a happier time and forget the parts where it got ugly. I now realize that there is no going back and only moving forward. In addition, I have come to find that some of my anxiety and trouble believing in myself comes from my repetitive nature to seek out problems and solutions that have no true existence. You can’t worry about and start diving deeper into a problem when you don’t have the facts and that was exactly what I was doing. I was constantly thinking my medicine wasn’t enough and that somehow I wasn’t as smart or capable anymore, but none of that is true. It is only a self-fulfilling prophecy created in my mind.

In terms of the relationship, it’s one that is not something I necessarily want to get out of but rather take a step back from. I want to give less of my time to her so that she can understand and learn I need time for myself and my goals in life. For too long I have turned my back to many opportunities because of the deep down fear of abandonment and loss of my hard earned investment. The truth is, the more I pull away from her, while still being myself and putting in the right amount of effort, the more polarity it creates drawing her closer to me. Now, it may drive her crazy but it is something she is going to have to learn to deal with.

And I would agree that Zoloft and any other psychiatric drug have no ability to cure, but rather mask and contain the problems and only to a certain extent. I still get anxious, sometimes extremely anxious and full of adrenaline, so I know this is the case. It’s time for me to drive my anxious, driven energy into my future and into my goals rather than onto current and essentially non existent problems.

I’m considering psychotherapy so that I can get to the root of my internal problems and eliminate some of the detrimental thinking I still have deep down.

Scott