Strrlit,

I’m so sorry that you’re going through something so difficult. From what you shared I would have to agree with Airene: it has everything to do with your ex, and is not about you. Sure, you can reflect and take note of areas you’d like to work on in the future…but in no way does that mean you’re “wrong” as a person, and I hope that after the dust settles you can see that.

As the old quote goes, “You can be the juiciest peach in the world, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” Maybe your ex has trouble talking about his feelings, maybe he got overwhelmed with commitment phobia, or maybe…we could speculate many things. Ultimately, you are worthy of a person who shares mutual love for you, and – even though it’s absolutely wrenching – if your ex wasn’t that person, he did you a favor in the long term by setting you free.

Please do not worry about not being settled by 25. I felt similarly when I was around your age (as it seems like so many are coupled up by then) but in truth you are soooo young. Love is found at many ages, and even by society’s standards you are not anywhere near spinsterhood! (The idea of being a spinster is an idea cooked up by the patriarchy and not worth paying attention to, by the way…but that’s another story for another day.)

You are thoughtful, introspective, and articulate. You have an entire lifetime’s worth of love ahead of you, and although it’s hard to see that now…please grab that thread of hope and hold on. I promise, some day you will look back on this heartbreak with fresh eyes and compassionate understanding…it’s leading you somewhere better.

For now, let yourself grieve…dive into the well of that grief if you need to. And when you get deep enough you’ll find that one day the tears stop and your heart still beats and it’s cracked open just a little bit fuller, because every experience that brings us to our knees has the opposite effect too. We grow more capable of love and understanding.

xoxo