April 14, 2018 at 9:57 am #202379
Hello tinybuddha forum,
I feel so lost I dont even know where to start, if i should even post or what to expect… Sorry if i make mistakes, english is not my first language.
I was dating him for 3 and half years. We were friends for 2 years prior to start dating. I think we knew each other well, always make each other smile. We have had our up and downs. But we always compromised great and talked things through.
I don't even recall the last time we even had an argument tbh. Since January we have been talking about moving together. I don't like to pressure so it was his idea. This February I meet his family and they were really happy with me, saying i was really polite and nice. They even called me the future wife instead of just girlfriend. So I thought everything was going great.
Four weeks ago my ex ignored my messages. At first i thought he was busy or lost mobile. I let some days pass and i try to contact again, no contact. I try to call but he doesnt pick up. After a week without any reply I ask one of his best friends and his sister if he's okay. I thought he may be at hospital or something much worse happened. They call him and he contacts me a bit after that. He just says he has been withdrawing into itself. But that everything is fine. I thanked him for making the effort to contact me and say its okay, that he can message me when he wants, that he can take all the space he needs.
A week after that, he just say he wants to break up. That he feel he has lost his love for me. I asked him if i did something wrong. But he just gave really vague reply “too long to explain but i do feel i dont love you anymore”. I was too in shock and pain, tried a bit of getting explanation but he was being super cold. So i just say good bye and haven't contacted him.
It's even possible to love someone so much and stop loving them so suddenly? I feel so unlovable like i did something terrible but i dont even see it. Like there's something so bad, wrong and ugly in me.. and he suddenly just saw it and left me.
I spend a whole week crying. and being with my friends. I felt like a total mess but they helped me. Recently I subscribed to the gym, and going everyday, shopping with my friends too,.. but even if i distract myself when im alone at night I just feel so lost and miserable. I just cry until i fall asleep. I can't barely concentrate to study.
I'm sorry. I guess i just want some advice from people more experienced than me. I never pressured him to marry me either, it was his idea. I was super happy with it and i loved him dearly. For me i always thought i would be happy with both futures: married or not married. Now i just feel so lonely tho.
I will be 25 soon, which makes me feel quite old to search for love again too.. He was one year younger than me.
Thanks for everything.April 14, 2018 at 10:23 am #202387
My dear…I can feel your sadness and I have known this kind of sadness. Props to you for doing all the right things to pick up the pieces and carry on. The gym = very good. Being with friends = also very good. Shopping, distracting…all good things. I hope you know on some level that time will lessen your sadness and you will find your north again.
My sense of what has happened is that it has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with your ex. It also has to do with the fact that your ex has no idea how to talk about his feelings, if he even knows what those feelings are. A lot of people don't know how to talk about their feelings, and don't even know what they are feeling.
I want to reassure you that again, this has n-o-t-h-i-n-g nothing! to do with you. It is about your ex, what he was feeling, and ultimately, that he didn't know how to talk about his feelings. Initially, he took the cowardly way out by not contacting you. To his credit, he at least formed the words that he wanted to break up with you. I would bet that he still doesn't know exactly what he is feeling.
Perhaps he was feeling that he wanted to marry you, but the thought of marriage and all the responsibility that comes with it scared him. Or, he was feeling pressure – not from you, but from his family. That kind of pressure can make someone rebel, even if they are not aware they are rebelling.
When he called you and said he wanted to break up and that he thought he had lost his love for you, did he go into any detail? Please write more if you feel it will help.
In the meantime, I hope you are doing well and taking really good care of yourself. And I'm so glad you came here to express your thoughts and feelings.
AireneApril 15, 2018 at 12:03 am #202427
I'm so sorry that you're going through something so difficult. From what you shared I would have to agree with Airene: it has everything to do with your ex, and is not about you. Sure, you can reflect and take note of areas you'd like to work on in the future…but in no way does that mean you're “wrong” as a person, and I hope that after the dust settles you can see that.
As the old quote goes, “You can be the juiciest peach in the world, but there will always be someone who doesn't like peaches.” Maybe your ex has trouble talking about his feelings, maybe he got overwhelmed with commitment phobia, or maybe…we could speculate many things. Ultimately, you are worthy of a person who shares mutual love for you, and – even though it's absolutely wrenching – if your ex wasn't that person, he did you a favor in the long term by setting you free.
Please do not worry about not being settled by 25. I felt similarly when I was around your age (as it seems like so many are coupled up by then) but in truth you are soooo young. Love is found at many ages, and even by society's standards you are not anywhere near spinsterhood! (The idea of being a spinster is an idea cooked up by the patriarchy and not worth paying attention to, by the way…but that's another story for another day.)
You are thoughtful, introspective, and articulate. You have an entire lifetime's worth of love ahead of you, and although it's hard to see that now…please grab that thread of hope and hold on. I promise, some day you will look back on this heartbreak with fresh eyes and compassionate understanding…it's leading you somewhere better.
For now, let yourself grieve…dive into the well of that grief if you need to. And when you get deep enough you'll find that one day the tears stop and your heart still beats and it's cracked open just a little bit fuller, because every experience that brings us to our knees has the opposite effect too. We grow more capable of love and understanding.
xoxoApril 15, 2018 at 5:06 am #202455
What caused him to break up with you, if you would like to explore this, I suggest you attend to the following:
1. Those “up and downs” during the 3.5 year relationship that you mentioned. If you elaborate on those ups and downs, what were they about, was there a common theme to the downs, were there arguments, loud voices, silent treatments… and how were they resolved, it may be very telling.
2. Recently, since January of this year, the two of you were talking about moving together. What was discussed regarding finances, as money can be part of what motivated him to break up with you. Perhaps another topic related to the planned living-together.
3. Even more recently, February of this year, you met his family. For the first time. Why not before, I wonder. Anything you know about the relationship between your ex boyfriend and his parents?
April 15, 2018 at 5:42 am #202463
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.
I'm sorry to hear this happened and can understand how shocking this can be, especially out of the blue, no “warning signs” no “talks”. A man leaving like this is cowardly. Not even bothering to call or per you an explanation, and making you worry. Maybe, in a way, it is for the best, because if you got back together, if he changed his mind, he may do this again, leaving you confused and heartbroken.
Do you know if he has any history of mental health issues? Such as bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, etc? I once had someone break up with me, And just stop contacting me, I found out he had a history of panic disorder, drug, alcohol, and substance abuse, and depression, also, I was told he was never in a relationship for than one year. All of these things he kept “hidden” from me. I sometimes wonder what other secrets he kept from me. I opened up alot to him about my past after we got to know each other, and I started to trust him, but often wondered why he never shared his “past” with me. Turns out, like me, he had abuse as a child, came from a very dysfunctional home, witnessed suicide from his uncle and several other things. He also had a child which he never told me about.
So, I guess what I am trying to say, is there could be many reasons he did what he did, but it has nothing to do with you. I guess you can take heart you did not stay with a person like this, and you will find the love you deserve with a stable, healthy and loving, honest man. x
April 15, 2018 at 6:38 am #202475
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by Eliana.
I too was in a long term relationship and thought everything was great. And then he suddenly broke up with me because he was bi and wanted to explore that aspect of himself. Which is fine, except that after two years, him bringing up anything related to bisexuality would have been nice!
You have to understand that these guys have been ruminating over what's been bothering them for months or years. So just because THEY have carefully and thoroughly gone over this secret thing in their minds doesn't mean WE are not blindsided when they suddenly break up with us!
At least I got an explanation. You got nothing which is even more of a shock.
It could be anything: pressure from the family to marry, finances, someone else, sexuality, cold feet, an anxiety disorder, etc., etc., etc.! We simply don't know, so don't let your mind try to fill in the blank and solve the mystery by thinking it was you. It wasn't you!!