Anita and Fridah –

Thank you for your responses.  Fridah, the healing is the toughest part.  Its like having that super upset stomach from food poisoning and you know you just have to endure and it will pass, but in the mean time…its just slow agony.

Anita –

These are very good questions, YES, there was a point in my life, in my childhood, where I WISH someone would have helped me.  I was constantly bullied and picked on because of my socioeconomic status and I just silently endured.

To your first questions, NO she never communicated that I was responsible for her happiness but based on her mood swings when I would do something that was displeasing to her, I feel like I was conditioned to feel as though I was responsible for her happiness.

You know, in the early part after I left and she was begging me to come back, I gave her “opportunities” to show me that she had some understanding that she was. atleast, equally, responsible for the demise of our relationship.  I even spelled out all the areas where I felt like I was at fault and asked her what she wishes she would have done better…She replied, Atleast you are seeing that this was all your fault.  She has NEVER in our entire relationship admitted wrong doing, or communicated a sincere “I’m sorry”, so I dont know why I thought she might do that now, but I tried to give her that chance without telling her what to do.  I cant show her how to walk through the door or even tell her that the door is there, ive been down the road and she will say anything and do anything to make me come back….except the things I needed her to do.  Which is just to say im sorry, ask for help, see a counselor, talk about her feelings….

I find it so hard to think about myself.  This is the most impactful thing I have ever done, for myself and if I didnt think she needed it, I still might not have done it.