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Can't Get Over Her…and its my fault

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  • #203061
    Richard
    Participant

    I am where I am because I left my 23 year marriage.  This is my fault.  All my closest friends tell me I left for the right reasons, those reasons being her Jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behavior.  I endured this behavior for 23 years.  I tried to fix her, I read books, wanted to goto counseling (she refused), I compromised and compromised until I was miserable.  Oddly enough she was also miserable.  I tried to fix her all the way up till my children all graduated, then I gave her another opportunity for counseling and then I was gone.  But, this is not about the relationship…its about my inability to stop thinking about her.  I have sooooooo much guilt for not being able to help her get past the abuses of her childhood that manifested themselves in our relationship, that I can’t seem to get past “This”.  Im seeing a wonderful women now who treats me so well and its been 9 months since I left but I do things like seek songs that make me dwell on her and create playlists about her.  I check her facebook EVERY SINGLE DAY multiple times and not to see if she is seeing anyone or anything stalkerish like that.  I just want to know that she is doing OK without me and if she had moved on with someone else I would feel sooooooo much relief.  Will I ever get past this?  I left for all the right reasons and did what was right for everyone involved including HER but…im drowning in memories of her, of us, of the good times.  And this wonderful women that I met, i find that I cant give her all of my heart, when most of my heart is still struggling.  Thank you for reading.

    #203069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Richard:

    You wrote: “I have soooooo much guilt for not being able to help her get past the abuses of her childhood”. Applying logic, as you must have done yourself, you  know that you were not responsible for her childhood abuse: you weren’t there, correct?

    So logically, you know you are not guilty for her childhood abuse and it is not your job to correct a wrong that you did not commit, by making it up to her.

    But you feel guilty nonetheless.

    If you would like to explore this guilt further, consider answering my questions:

    1. Did she communicate to you in any way, during your relationship with her, that you are responsible for her happiness-or lack of?

    2. When you were a child, did you need someone to help you and … there was no one to help you?

    anita

    #203071
    Fridah
    Participant

    Hi Richard,

    I only want to say one thing it wasn’t your fault and it is not your fault. You did everything you could to help her.But I think is time to help yourself and heal yourself.

    Best wishes!!

     

    #203073
    Richard
    Participant

    Anita and Fridah –

    Thank you for your responses.  Fridah, the healing is the toughest part.  Its like having that super upset stomach from food poisoning and you know you just have to endure and it will pass, but in the mean time…its just slow agony.

    Anita –

    These are very good questions, YES, there was a point in my life, in my childhood, where I WISH someone would have helped me.  I was constantly bullied and picked on because of my socioeconomic status and I just silently endured.

    To your first questions, NO she never communicated that I was responsible for her happiness but based on her mood swings when I would do something that was displeasing to her, I feel like I was conditioned to feel as though I was responsible for her happiness.

    You know, in the early part after I left and she was begging me to come back, I gave her “opportunities” to show me that she had some understanding that she was. atleast, equally, responsible for the demise of our relationship.  I even spelled out all the areas where I felt like I was at fault and asked her what she wishes she would have done better…She replied, Atleast you are seeing that this was all your fault.  She has NEVER in our entire relationship admitted wrong doing, or communicated a sincere “I’m sorry”, so I dont know why I thought she might do that now, but I tried to give her that chance without telling her what to do.  I cant show her how to walk through the door or even tell her that the door is there, ive been down the road and she will say anything and do anything to make me come back….except the things I needed her to do.  Which is just to say im sorry, ask for help, see a counselor, talk about her feelings….

    I find it so hard to think about myself.  This is the most impactful thing I have ever done, for myself and if I didnt think she needed it, I still might not have done it.

    #203075
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Richard:

    Did I understand correctly, she told you “At least you are seeing that this was all your fault?” – what was she referring to specifically by “this”?

    Coming to think about it, the title of your thread is: “.. and its my fault”-what is it here, specifically mean?

    anita

    #203079
    Richard
    Participant

    “This” in her statement was about us being unhappy and ultimately leaving her.  I cited times when I was less than willing to indulge her interests as well as me being the one that controlled all the finances.  I apologized for not being around as much as I could have been as well…Things like that.

    As for the title of my thread, I seek help letting go on forums and books and, frustratingly so, most of those books and threads are about helping the person who got dumped, not the dumper.  I am in this horrible place trying to let go and I feel a bit like I dont have the right to ask for help when Im the one who initiated the breakup.  I took the action that is making me feel so empty (leaving).  That is why I say it is my fault.

    That is NOT to say that the relationship issues were not, in part, my fault.  They absolutely were.  I just feel like she has never seen any issues with her own behavior and is unwilling to acknowledge then, let alone, work on them.

    #203085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Richard:

    I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to  the computer in about sixteen hours.

    Take care,

    anita

    #203165
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Richard:

    You were married 23 years, separated nine months, dating a new woman. You initiated the separation for all the right reasons, you wrote. But you are unable to stop thinking about her, playing songs, “drowning in memories of her, of us, of the good times”.

    You wrote, “I endured this behavior for 23 years”. To endure, the verb, suggests an unpleasant, distressing experience. “this behavior” is her jealous, possessive and controlling behaviors, and never admitting her wrong doing (“NEVER in our entire relationship admitted wrong doing, or communicated a sincere ‘I’m sorry'”

    Here is another place you used the verb to endure: “I was constantly bullied and picked on because of my socioeconomic status and I just silently endured.”

    Will you share about the hurt, the anger, the sadness that you endured for 23 years with this woman?

    anita

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #203183
    Richard
    Participant

    We were together since I was 19.  She was 18.  She had an abusive boyfriend who left her one day…I moved in a few days later “to help with the bills”.  I remember the first night I slept there.  She didnt want to sleep in the bed and he took all the furniture so I layed on one side of the room, while she fell asleep on the other.  In the morning she was right beside me.  We hadnt really known each other before that.  Looking back I see it was ridiculous to move in with each other and start a relationship.  If my kids were to do that today, I would have a cow.

    Back then, we were both the jealous, insecure type.  I felt loved when she would show jealousy and insecurity that I might not stay with her.  I am guessing she felt the same thing.  So our “relationship rules” began to develop on a surface of jealousy and insecurity that we both found to be acceptable at the time.  Soon enough, she wanted a child.  I indicated that it was too soon for that and I wasn’t ready but she insisted and said that I must not love her if I wouldn’t want to have a child.  I gave in and 9 months later my daughter was born.  For the record, despite all the pain and anquish, I would do it all over again, make the same choices because that is the only way I could have THIS daughter again.  My daughter and in fact my children that I had with this women are without a doubt the GREATEST thing that has every happened to me.  The universe has a funny way of balancing out I have learned.  23 years of pain, but the greatest kids I could ever hope to have.

    Early on her jealousy and insecurity prevented me from going to the Gym, hanging out with friends, going to college.  The pain I endured revolved around trying to do the things I wanted to do that I felt NORMAL people would do and constantly being manipulated into not doing those things.  We would have arguments about it and she would eventually give in and “let” me do the things I wanted but there would always be a price.  Every time I would actually engage in those activities she didnt want me to engage in, she would be cold, and mean.  I went to school, but if I had required group work, there could be NO WOMEN in my group.  I actually dropped a class once because of this requirement.  This was a pattern that existed all through out our relationship.  I was not allowed to have any friends that were of the opposite sex.  I was very much the same way with respect to freinds but not with things she wanted to do.  The thing was…she didnt WANT to do ANYTHING.  she was content to sit at home and watch TV all day.

    Ultimately, I grew up.  I began to understand how a healthy relationship “should” be and that allowing  MY jealousy and insecurity to affect the person I love’s happiness is extremely selfish.  I had that realization and she NEVER did.  I feel like in some ways this is not all her fault, we both got into this and started our relationship based on these “rules” and I grew out of them not her.  Now I left her…and she is still who she was when she was 18.  Her earning ability is dramatically different that mine.  I went to College and have a great job, while she never was interested despite me WANTING her to go.  She is still that jealous, insecure, scared 18 year old and I walked away from her and allowed her to remain that way.  I tried for years and years to change her.  I even tried to leave her 7 years ago citing all these issues as the “why”.  She begged me to stay and promised to work on her issues and she “kind of” did but not in the right way, in my opinion.  She still felt all the jealousy, insecurity and still didnt want me to do anything…she would just supress those feelings.  She became an unhappy, withdrawn, person and even became, in my opinion, dependent on opioids to make her feel better.

    So…Not only did I give up on her.  I left her with very little income potential.  Now I have agreed to give her more than what my states alimony laws require which is more than enough for her to live on (for 2 years) AND I have agreed to pay off her brand new car.  But…when that 2 years is up…then what?  I will have destroyed her life so that I can be happy.  If she were to do something like commit suicide, it would end me.  I am sure of it.

    Why couldnt she goto counseling?  Why couldnt she listen to me when I told her we needed to work on stuff?

    I cant talk to anyone about this because its not fair to bring my kids into this (they are adults now), and all my friends hated her anyway.  I certainly cant talk to my GF about this.  I am just waiting for it to pass.  Hoping that she starts a new life and is happy.  Maybe she can fix some of her issue now that she has suffered loss and consequence from them.  Sometimes you need a new start to make real change.

    To you Anita, I want to thank you.  You have listened to me and as I sit here with tears running down my face writing this, I feel a sense of relief just telling SOMEONE whats going on in my head.

    #203193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Richard:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote in your original post: “if she had moved on with someone else I would feel sooooo much relief”.

    This leads me to think (and please let me know if I am correct and where I am not) that your current feelings about your wife of 23 years, is not about her as a woman but as a child that needs rescuing. You view her as one who desperately needs help, financial and otherwise.

    It is as if you are watching a helpless child, not a 41 year old woman. You are watching a helpless child suffering and the thought is: someone must do something about it!

    How can you “get over her” (in the title of your thread) if you believe, emotionally (not logically), that she is a helpless, suffering and desperate child whom you abandoned?

    I suppose you were  like her, in the ways you indicated, a child yourself, helpless when bullied in the past, in desperate need for help. You met this woman when she was 18 and you saw yourself in her, and did your best to help her, and by proxy, help yourself.

    And now, that you did the right thing for yourself and ended the relationship, you experience something like survivor guilt, the one who grew up, leaving behind the one who didn’t.

    Let me know what you think and I will reply further.

    anita

     

    #203199
    Richard
    Participant

    That is exactly how I feel.  Survivor guilt seems to match very well.  I did often feel like I needed (wanted) to rescue her and while I don’t feel any direct association with that and my own trauma as a child, I can logically see where you are going with that.  Another thing that impacts me and is one of the reasons I waited till my kids were graduated was that My biological mother left me when I was around 6 or 7.  She chose a man that didn’t want any of her baggage so she sent the baggage to child services.  My Father rescued me and my Sisters from child services and I grew up with him and my sisters ever since.  He has since passed away and my biological mother is out of the picture.  I bring this up because i’m seeing an association with THAT experience and feeling guilt about leaving my wife who I may see as a child needing rescued.  A child like me on that front porch waiting for Child Services to take me away.  My Dad rescued me that day, but who is going to rescue my Wife.

    Im going to look up books on Survivor Guilt because I really think you may have hit something there.

    #203201
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Richard:

    What you described, “a child like me on that front porch waiting for Child Services to take me away” is a very powerful experience. I can’t see how this experience has not played a huge part in your marriage and in your current struggles regarding the ending of the marriage.

    Notice, you wrote that your father rescued you. But not completely. Part of you is still needing rescuing, still waiting on that porch, I am thinking.

    Hope you post again and again, for as long as it may be helpful for you.

    anita

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