Anita,

I got depressed at the time he rejected me. You see, in the early days he was getting to know both of us separately and made me believe we could end up together. The first time I saw them together as a couple, I felt my heart breaking into two and felt sick. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I couldn’t even try to change his mind because it would hurt my friend who I love. He stopped talking to me completely and I felt I had lost my best friend.

So of course, I fell into depression and my mind starts to think of scenarios of what could’ve happened. This happens over and over and is what drove me to think very dark thoughts – I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live either. I know those kinds of thoughts sounds so extreme but I believe it is a chemical imbalance in my brain, stopping me from living a healthy life. For about two to three years, I went into work, saw my family and basically carried on while hiding my depression. Then it got to a stage where I sometimes travelled on the bus feeling so emotionless, I would describe it like I was a shell of a human, feeling nothing inside.  I went to counselling and it helped me get my life together somewhat. I do not have those thoughts any longer thankfully.

Two days ago however, I was feeling emotional because I thought about their future wedding and how I wouldn’t have the courage to attend. This made me incredibly sad. So nowadays, it is not about fantasizing about him and I together. It is more about how I cannot be completely fine with them being together.