Should I still be friends with her if I like her partner

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This topic has 20 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 30, 2018 at 7:49 pm #204983

Macaron
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I have been friends with this person for many years and she feels like my sister. When I met her partner, my world turned upside down. I thought it was a crush but the more I spent time with them, my feelings became stronger. Sometimes I feel that we (me and him) get along better than when he’s with my friend. I feel bad about it because I would not want to hurt my friend so I keep my feelings to myself for 4 years. It hurt really bad to hide it. Especially when he gives signs that he cares for me. I was able to manage my feelings for a while until recently. These past couple months, she has been talking about marriage and I realise I cannot face being at their wedding. That would break my heart. Throughout this time, I was able to find dates but they didn’t amount to anything. I thought if I found someone, I would forget about him but I haven’t found anyone and I don’t think I ever will now. I try to meet with my friend without the guy there but she will obviously mention him. It makes my heart heavy with sadness that I would not be able to attend her wedding. Please help me!

April 30, 2018 at 8:50 pm #204989

Victoria
Participant

I would at least take a break, it’s not worth hurting over. Take a break to move on, meet new people somehow. If you keep seeing them then you might end up with depression and nobody wants that. Take a break and see what happens.

May 1, 2018 at 3:03 am #205017

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Macaron:

If you want to look deeper into your four year infatuation with this man, see if there is something deeper about you to understand, let’s do so: what is it about this man that you like so much?

anita

May 1, 2018 at 5:41 am #205045

Macaron
Participant

Thanks for the replies. To answer the question why do I like him so much. I have never found anyone so easy to talk to, same sense of humour, who makes me so happy and makes me want to be a better version of myself. Sounds cheesy but I feel a connection when I look into his eyes. He once gave me a hug in front of my friend, which should have only lasted half a second but it felt like he didn’t want to let go. There was one time, he got drunk at Christmas and in a state so bad that my friend was really angry but I still felt in love with him and wanted to take care of him.

I know I would feel hurt if my friend didn’t come to my wedding so Im wondering if I should tell her after she gets engaged so that she knows I’m not being a bad friend..

May 1, 2018 at 5:47 am #205051

Macaron
Participant

Oh and I already have depression 🙁 I hide that too.

May 1, 2018 at 6:42 am #205061

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Macaron:

Maybe he is “so easy to talk to” because you are safe, safe from a one-on-one relationship with him. There are no follow ups in the future, just the two of you.

Maybe “he makes (you) so happy” because you don’t worry about the day after, what will happen later, if he will reject you or leave you.

You clearly need to love-and-be-loved. It is possible that you are afraid to be in a relationship, so with this man, you kind-of get to love and be loved, but safely, without the worries and uncertainties of a relationship.

What do you think?

anita

May 1, 2018 at 9:40 am #205109

Macaron
Participant

Anita, I would like to think that is the case. I don’t truly know what it’s like to be in a relationship with him. That there is someone else out there. And that would help me get over him. At this point in time, I’m struggling. I have tried so many things out of my comfort zone to find someone else. Even done the opposite which is to ‘let it happen’. After 4 years, I feel like giving up.

May 1, 2018 at 10:19 am #205119

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Macaron:

I didn’t understand “done the opposite which is to ‘let it happen'”- what do you mean?

And were there love relationships before you met this man?

anita

May 1, 2018 at 10:32 am #205125

Macaron
Participant

Anita,

Instead of putting myself out there, for a few months I didn’t try to force myself to go out when I didn’t feel like it. In the end, I felt like I was running out of time. In the 4 years, there was one short term relationship. It was nice but I did not feel anything after 6 months.

May 1, 2018 at 10:43 am #205135

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Macaron:

I understand, I think. I am still wondering if you had a loving relationship not during the four years of you knowing this man, but before, before you knew of him?

anita

May 1, 2018 at 11:45 am #205151

Macaron
Participant

Anita,

No I have never fell in love before. I’ve been in one other short term relationship and it ended because I didn’t love him. I have only ever felt so strongly when i met this guy who would become my friend’s boyfriend 🙁

May 2, 2018 at 4:50 am #205213

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Macaron:

Your answer leads me to think that indeed the possibility I brought up to you earlier is possible, that is, that you avoid a real relationship by being in a made-believe relationship. It is like being involved in a relationship with a movie star. The man is on the screen, not in your personal life, but you feel love for him, you imagine he loves you too.

This way you are sort-of, as if, in a relationship but not really, so you are not exposed to the … dangers in a personal, one to one love relationship.

In other words, it is safer to love your friend’s partner than to love a man who is available for a relationship with you.

anita

May 2, 2018 at 11:46 am #205271

Macaron
Participant

Anita, thank you for your wisdom, I really appreciate your thoughtful replies. 🙂

When I was going out with the guy for 6 months, I was depressed at the time due to the other guy so maybe I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Had I not been depressed, the relationship may have lasted longer but I think that I was using him to get over the other guy. It was fairer to let him go find someone else who could love him back.

Going forward, I’m going to make my life as fulfilling as possible, with someone or not as it’s all I can do. I’m in this weird place between hope and depression, it changes every day. Tomorrow I may get depressed but today I’m hoping that my plans for a better single life will attract the right guy 🙂

May 3, 2018 at 4:34 am #205383

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Macaron:

You are welcome. I hope you feel hopeful as you read this.

Would you like to you share about your depression: what thoughts are involved in your depressed state and at what time in your life did you start being depressed, from your best recollection?

anita

May 3, 2018 at 12:06 pm #205499

Macaron
Participant

Anita,

I got depressed at the time he rejected me. You see, in the early days he was getting to know both of us separately and made me believe we could end up together. The first time I saw them together as a couple, I felt my heart breaking into two and felt sick. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I couldn’t even try to change his mind because it would hurt my friend who I love. He stopped talking to me completely and I felt I had lost my best friend.

So of course, I fell into depression and my mind starts to think of scenarios of what could’ve happened. This happens over and over and is what drove me to think very dark thoughts – I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live either. I know those kinds of thoughts sounds so extreme but I believe it is a chemical imbalance in my brain, stopping me from living a healthy life. For about two to three years, I went into work, saw my family and basically carried on while hiding my depression. Then it got to a stage where I sometimes travelled on the bus feeling so emotionless, I would describe it like I was a shell of a human, feeling nothing inside. I went to counselling and it helped me get my life together somewhat. I do not have those thoughts any longer thankfully.

Two days ago however, I was feeling emotional because I thought about their future wedding and how I wouldn’t have the courage to attend. This made me incredibly sad. So nowadays, it is not about fantasizing about him and I together. It is more about how I cannot be completely fine with them being together.
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