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Victoria

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #208469
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Airene,

    We’ve sorted everything out, come to an understanding. He explained the stripper better at his bucks night, it’s not going to be a sexual thing for him, just novelty, something fun/funny. So more awkward in reality. He’s insisting on touching her, despite my feelings about it – it’s hard not to consider that wrong when it’s normally considered wrong and cheating but he won’t take it too far and won’t see it as sexual. We only want to get married, it doesn’t mean we will. So I think I’m just going to drop it for now, if I can. And he’s going to try and communicate better, we both are.

     

    Thank you.

    #208347
    Victoria
    Participant

    Airene,

    that’s why I want to work things out now, so they don’t go to shit later. He does love me, he told me he wants kids and to get married first. He is mature a lot of the time and helps me through things that aren’t to do with him. A stripper would be fun, I have a lot of trust issues because I’ve been treated badly in the past and need to know I can trust him around other naked women and that he won’t cross a boundary but he just doesn’t reasure me and every time I try to talk about something that might even hint at him changing or not getting something that’s “normal” to him he shuts down and I need and want to fix that and if he won’t I’ll consider my options after that. I don’t want to break up over a hypothetical bucks night and marriage. This isn’t really about the stripper, it’s more about how he responds to me. He’s told me he feels like I want him to change, be something he’s not and to basically castrate him and censor him from other women and I told him that isn’t true but he doesn’t realise that I don’t want to change either, that I don’t want to live him doing things I can’t agree with and doesn’t realise that talking about things hypothetical or real or about us is normal and I just don’t know why he’s always evasive but I want it to stop.

    #208343
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Airene,

    We’re not all perfect and I don’t want to give up so soon, that’s haopened to me too many times. I don’t mind compromising on this if it does happen, I think it’d be fun to have a male stripper at my hens night. I’m just worried he’ll get out of control, touch her or she’ll touch him and he’ll do something I can’t forgive him for. The problem is that he won’t reasure me that won’t happen, the way he talks about how guys are makes me think this happen and he can’t seem to realise to ask me why I’m uncomfortable about something and tell me it won’t be like that. But I’ve told him now and he just hasn’t replied and I’ve told him I don’t want to change either and don’t want to have to allow and live with things I’m not comfortable with. We haven’t been together that long, I don’t want to leave him without trying to work things out first.

    #208337
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Well I don’t know what I’d tell her, especially because he won’t talk to her. Anything that isn’t a fun topic, about our days or current life seems to be off limits. I know he loves me and everything and he treats me so well, it’s just this one thing. He just shuts down, becomes evasive and won’t respond to me and basically tells me it’s either normal, to get over it and to not feel or think that way. I’m getting worried he’ll leave me because I’m annoying him too much, even though he’s the one who has the problem. I’m trying to talk to him now but he hasn’t responded, he stopped talking to me last night and is now at work. I feel like I just tell him how I feel all the time and what I’m worried about but I’m just talking to a brick wall, he barely tells me how he’s feeling about anything. Last night he told me was miserable because he has to be so careful as to not upset me but I don’t know how he’s doing that because he’s seemed normal to me. I didn’t even know he wasn’t happy.

    #208321
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi,

    I wasn’t very clear, he has stopped doing that and it’s no longer an issue. I told him I’m not comfortable with having a stripper for his bucks night, he basically said no because it’s normal and fun. I tried to compromise with what I’m comfortable with and he won’t respond or agree. So now I’m worried he’ll always act like this when something comes up, big or small, because he acted the same way about Instagram and other things and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to try and talk to him about it. Other than this he’s perfect.

    #208289
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi,

    I had an alcoholic father growing up, he never raised us and I specifically didn’t get along with him because we were too similar and he had a short temper. I was very angry, thought he hated me and wanted to move out before I legally could and my mother told me she tried her best to make up for my lack of a father with extra attention, hugs and things. My mother made us talk one day and he told me he loved me, things got better, sometimes they took a step back along the way, too.

    Your children are old enough to understand, they’re adults now. There is no set rules on what makes you a good mother in reality. It sounds like you still tried to provide better than what you had growing up while having your hands full with two kids who needed extra attention. They should understand that by now. Talk to your kids, let them know how you feel and what you’re worried about. Try not to sound like you’re accusing or attacking them of anything, choose your words carefully. Tell them you still want to be a good mother but you’re not sure what you’re doing wrong or how to be a good mother for them because you don’t understand their needs anymore. Maybe try to think about what you wanted or needed from your parents at their age, maybe that would help too.

    #205775
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Rose,

    It sounds to me that you’re families are not compatible, nor are you and your ex. Your ex’s family sounds like a lot of drama and so does your ex. You said he gets angry about everything, tells you that you’re lying all the time etc, that’s alarming to me. That suggests abusive behaviour, whether he knows it or not. You seem to be always defending them and they seem to be turning on you. You might love this man, or think you do, but sometimes the best thing to do is to move on. Relationships and families shouldn’t be so turbulent, in the beginning you and your ex should have learnt how to communicate and trust each other by now, and if you were both right for each other your families wouldn’t be having such concerns. Generally, if your friends or family don’t like someone you’re seeing then they’re usually right. It sounds like he and his family will always be a problem, and may only get worse.

    He actually sounds a lot like my ex, verbally abusive, manipulative, constantly told me that I was cheating on him or wanting to cheat on him, when it wasn’t true. I couldn’t do or say anything without getting into trouble, without him getting angry at me and starting a fight and the only reasoning I have is because I was 6 years younger than him and in his words I was immature, naive, gullible and easily overcome by another man who wants me. I have no idea if he was actually cheating on me or not, but I was told that when a guy becomes so insecure about what you’re doing or saying then they’re usually doing it behind your back and are now they’re paranoid for whatever reason. Your ex sounds a lot like this, maybe not completely but you are right to break up with him and I strongly think you should move on.

    #204989
    Victoria
    Participant

    I would at least take a break, it’s not worth hurting over. Take a break to move on, meet new people somehow. If you keep seeing them then you might end up with depression and nobody wants that. Take a break and see what happens.

    #204901
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    it’s not about wanting more, it’s about having something and having something to live for. Before I became a personal trainer I didn’t have that, I didn’t really have any purpose even though I had things I wanted to do in life. Now I’m able to achieve those things i wanted to achieve years ago. I wanted a new car years ago, I wanted to move out and be fully independent years ago. Have friends years ago, I lost all my friends from high school and haven’t been able to make more for various reasons. I wanted a stable relationship and be married by now, I didn’t get that for various reasons. Now I can have those things, but I haven’t or don’t get to space those things out so it’s easier to achieve.

    I feel a lot better now that I’ve spoken about it, and I’ll try to focus fully on one goal at a time. So thank you for responding to me, and anyone else who has responded.

    #204795
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi, yeah I guess so. I still don’t want to go through life not having done anything. And I just feel like I have so much to catch up on in such a short amount of time and that it won’t be possible to catch up, I keep feeling like I’ll be too old and it won’t be worthwhile.

    #204717
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi, thank you for replying.

    I would feel like a failure in a sense that I didn’t do what I wanted to achieve, I’ve always strongly wanted kids, to be a mother.

    Unfortunately, it’d be almost impossible to meet someone who doesn’t look at porn to some degree these days. It’s sadly extremely normal. He doesn’t look at anything that upsets though.

    It is more carefree, but it costs a lot in fuel and has no air conditioning and will one day die on me. I’d much rather a new car, that’s safer, comfortable and cheaper to run.

    I do feel a lot of stress in achieving these things and I’m not sure what to do about it, stress doesn’t workout for me, I shut down, become irritable and unfocused – decision making becomes too hard and my job relies on me making choices for other people. I’m going through new things and it’s stressful.

     

     

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)