Hi,

I’ve been struggling a lot this year mentally, but we’ll talk about what’s current:

I’m going through a lot of changes and new things and I’m feeling overwhelmed I guess – worrying about a lot of things. I’m almost 26 and haven’t achieved anything in that time, I drive an old car (1991) that I’ve had since 2011 because I’ve been too consistently broke, struggled to get a decent job and my business is already failing after three months after a career change from hospitality but I’ll hopefully be relocating soon and I’m in my first serious relationship and first one that’s lasted longer than 4 months. I wanted kids by the time I was 25 and that clearly hasn’t happened, I want both a successful business and family but I feel in order to have a family I’ll have to sacrifice my business and my body too many times – especially since my boyfriend wants 3 kids, I only want 2 (I’m a body builder and being and looking strong helps with my confidence after abuse, bullying and suffering from extreme shyness) – and I don’t want that. I feel I have so much to catch up on in such a short time to be where I want to be in life, now that I can actually do it – considering I can build my business again.

I’m worried for my future family, that my children wont like me, that my partner and I wont work out due to different parenting styles (even though we talked about it and agree on how to do it) – I’m worried that my potential son will grow up not knowing how to respect women the way I wanted to be respected or completely become a chauvinist because of the internet and social media these days, I’m worried my potential daughter will have to deal with the same things I did regarding how I was treated by the males I came across or find it hard to gain employment, especially if she’s competing with males. I’ve lost jobs to males even though I was better and in the PT industry men still seem more highly regarded, every gym seems to struggle with keeping female trainers around but I could be wrong as to why. I’m always worried now that I wont succeed as much as I want to because I’m a female and seen as less intelligent, I’ve had a huge silly issue with female equality triggered by instaporn (even though I’m fine with actual porn, though it does make me uncomfortable knowing my boyfriend watches/listens to it) after finding out my boyfriend was looking at other women semi naked and following their accounts, to you know see them semi-nude later, which felt utter horrible. It’s somehow different to actual porn, more personal I guess, it felt like cheating. I don’t know. This part isn’t relivent.

I’ve always worried I would die a failure, in the sense that I achieved nothing that I wanted to. That I’d always be unemployed or struggling with money, never meet a man or have a family and now that I’m getting or hopefully getting those things at the same time it’s plaguing my mind with negativity. I want both kids and a business, because I don’t want to die as a failure in either area but don’t want to sacrifice anything. I want marriage, a family and a new car before I’m 30 with out any serious sacrifice and it’s overwhelming and I’m not sure if that’s realistic or not.