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How to be a good mother at this stage

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  • May 18, 2018 at 9:59 am #208101
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I have read many posts from people who have talked about a less-than-ideal childhood.  There was dysfunction on the part of the mom or the dad, or both.  I grew up with a mom who was an alcoholic.  There were  definitely things I would have changed, but I also like to think that things could have been worse.  I have also come to accept what is, is.  I also recognize my mother’s strengths and shortcomings.  I have tried throughout my life to counteract those, but who knows if I succeeded?

    With my own four children, I don’t know how they perceive their childhood.  I sometimes get the sense that they feel I didn’t do enough.  They have made comments that my attitude and my husband’s was “don’t bother me.”  I cringe when they say things like this and get somewhat defensive.  We had 4 kids and  one with special needs.  One of our kids had a brain tumor (not cancer) which required surgery, radiation and as a result, has lifelong complex health problems.  I can see how they might feel neglected (the two that don’t have special needs, or health problems), but I also feel like I was stretched to the max.  My husband provided financially, but was not around alot, and definitely did not provide any sort of emotional support.

    At this stage, my kids range in age from 20 to 28.  I am wondering how to be a loving mom at this stage.  If I call them too much, I’m intrusive.  If I hang back and let them take the lead, so to speak, I give an air of “don’t bother me.”  Can a mother ever win with their kids?  And if so, how do you do that?

    Airene

    May 18, 2018 at 10:51 am #208115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Airene:

    I am not a mother so I never had the most difficult job in the world, your job.

    As to your question, “how to be a good mother at this stage (children are 20-28), as a non-mother but as a daughter, this is my answer:

    ask your adult children this very question.

    What is most difficult at this point, imagining myself being in your place, if I was (I will be using first person therefore) is how to deal with my strong feelings for my children. Feeling so intensely, wanting their well-being, feeling somewhat guilty for past inadequacies, maybe present inadequacies, not wanting to hurt more myself, it will be hard for me to listen to what they say, not wanting to .. hear them hurt, and that I may have hurt them. So I can see myself caring so much and yet unable to really listen.

    I would share that with them, in a sincere yet as casual a way as I can muster. And then, ask them the question: how to be a good mother to them at this stage.

    And then listen, best I can.

    anita

     

    May 18, 2018 at 11:11 am #208123
    Mark
    Participant

    Airene,

    As a father of two adult children in the same age range as yours, I concur with anita’s suggestions.

    Mark

    May 19, 2018 at 7:21 am #208203
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Airene,

    At this age range the “kids” can still be utterly selfish. Even more than teenagers sometime, it’s All About Them, only the stakes are higher. They are either in school, working, getting married and/or moving. Maybe when they are more than half your age or have children of their own will they “get” you.

    I would call/visit once a month. No more, no less. Give them a chance to miss you. LET them feel the indignity of you having your own life. They will begrudgingly respect you in the end.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 20, 2018 at 4:05 am #208275
    Airene
    Participant

    Anita, Mark and Inky –

    Thank you so much for your thoughts!  I agree with all of it….sharing with them my love for them, guilt for what I did or didn’t do, and continue to do, how to be a good mother to them from here, giving them a chance to miss me…and then hearing what they have to say.

    Thanks again.  So glad for your input.

    Airene

    May 20, 2018 at 4:33 am #208279
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Airene.

    anita

    May 20, 2018 at 7:14 am #208289
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi,

    I had an alcoholic father growing up, he never raised us and I specifically didn’t get along with him because we were too similar and he had a short temper. I was very angry, thought he hated me and wanted to move out before I legally could and my mother told me she tried her best to make up for my lack of a father with extra attention, hugs and things. My mother made us talk one day and he told me he loved me, things got better, sometimes they took a step back along the way, too.

    Your children are old enough to understand, they’re adults now. There is no set rules on what makes you a good mother in reality. It sounds like you still tried to provide better than what you had growing up while having your hands full with two kids who needed extra attention. They should understand that by now. Talk to your kids, let them know how you feel and what you’re worried about. Try not to sound like you’re accusing or attacking them of anything, choose your words carefully. Tell them you still want to be a good mother but you’re not sure what you’re doing wrong or how to be a good mother for them because you don’t understand their needs anymore. Maybe try to think about what you wanted or needed from your parents at their age, maybe that would help too.

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