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Should I still be friends with her if I like her partner

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  • This topic has 20 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • May 3, 2018 at 12:30 pm #205503
    Macaron
    Participant

    I want to add, that after we stopped talking for a long while, my friend wanted me to see them both just to hang out. It was awkward at first but I enjoy both their company so I hung out with them more. But it only just made me like him even more. And whenever I meet up with her by herself, he comes up in conversation. Which takes me to present day and my original question of whether to stop contact.

    May 4, 2018 at 5:53 am #205553
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Macaron:

    I re-read your posts and the recent two. I think it is a good idea for you to stop contact with the two of them, your friend and her soon to be husband.

    You wrote earlier: “I’m in this weird place between hope and depression, it changes every day”. Because you are in that in-between place, it is very important that you eliminate any and every depression trigger that is possible to be eliminated.

    When you see her she mentions him and that depresses you. For this reason alone you shouldn’t see her anymore. Your well being is way, way… way more important than you being a good friend to her.

    The future wedding depresses you, and that is a good enough reason to not attend it.

    You’ve been hiding your depression for years, hiding it from your friend, the woman about to get married. This means that the friendship was not as close as could be. If it was close, such a big secret on your part wouldn’t remain a secret.

    And it is possible that she knows.

    And so, yes, I do think you should kindly withdraw all contact from the two of them.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    May 4, 2018 at 11:43 am #205597
    Macaron
    Participant

    Anita,

    I appreciate your advice and when I was reading your reply, I was holding back tears because it will be so hard for me. Today is definitely a day where I am more depressed than hopeful.

    I know you don’t know me and there is more to my story. But you are right that I need to remove all triggers that cause my depression.

    My issue now is how to stop contact in the most respectful way. I do not want to ghost. I was thinking perhaps I should meet with her but I will almost certainly struggle with my words. So I was thinking I should write a letter, hand it to her to read then have her hand it back to me so I can shred it. Do you think this would be a good way to do it?

     

     

    May 4, 2018 at 11:57 am #205601
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Macaron:

    You are welcome. I agree with you that ghosting her will not be the right thing to do. You can write her a letter if you’d like, if it is easier for you. Are you planning on explaining to her why you will be cutting contact with her (your feelings about her to be husband)?

    * Will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. Will check on your thread when I return.

    anita

    May 4, 2018 at 12:25 pm #205613
    Macaron
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes I plan to mention that I have developed feelings for him and it is best for me to stay away from them both. It will mean that I won’t have to worry about the upcoming engagement/wedding.

    I do worry that I will cause her to be unhappy for a while because she told me once that I was her only real friend. So I hope that I am doing the right thing and find release from these horrible feelings trapped inside.

    May 5, 2018 at 4:17 am #205679
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Macaron:

    I think your plan is a good plan. Will she be hurt? Maybe. But your plan is not abusive to her, and that is all that is you are responsible for, to not be abusive to her.

    We can’t help people feeling hurt, all we can do is pay attention to not mistreat others.

    By cutting contact with her and by not attending her wedding, you are not mistreating her. What you are doing is taking care of yourself, trying to “find release from these horrible feelings trapped inside”.

    Your primary responsibility is to take good care of yourself. I hope you post again, I would like to read what you choose to do next and how it works out.

    anita

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