I am better now, I had an extremely low level of hemoglobin which my parents were determined that only right food can take care of. After 6 months of coming back home, when they realized that I am still not getting better then we consulted a doctor. It was then they realized how serious things were and I might die. Iron was injected into my body at monthly intervals and now I feel better in fact ever since February this year I feel energetic and attentive unlike before.

Yes, I do think I did the same thing. I feel like the pressure of his job, me, his mother, everything was too much to handle. But I have spent a month in guilt, thinking how I pressured the guy I loved with all of me away and that was not helping me in moving on. At first I did not want to accept the breakup, I thought he would come back(We used to break up in initial days to get back together within 20 mins to an hour- there has been only once when we spent one complete night and morning not talking, In the afternoon he called and said that let’s stop the dramatics, we both know we cannot stay away and we would end up laughing at things we said) We have spent some really good times together and when I used to go visit him, he used to be like this crazy carefree kid around me.

I really think he needs some time on his own but the fact that he did not call even once makes me feel bad about myself. Even the men who left for various reasons like career and other women used to text me when they needed a friend. I try to think that it does not bother me if he is dating other women and I even think what if we meet somewhere and he is with a girl, and I feel that seeing him happy would give my heart some peace but the fact that I am in a different city altogether and He does not wish to talk to me, unless there is some need to- is breaking my self-esteem. Every day I wake up thinking today will be better, at least better than yesterday but no, It never becomes better. Every night I feel like calling him, asking him how he is, but my pride or ego, I give you the liberty to use either, makes me switch off my phone to avoid the anticipation.

He used to take my help in his work and he made me feel like his superhero.  I had started a little nagging when suddenly he did not want to pursue his MBA (something he had planned ever since in college), started drinking more than usual(I was scared he might get into the habit) and when I wanted him to manage his expenses better… I did not complain about the money I spent on his meals, I do that for my friends too but recently before I left my city to meet him the last time- I lent him a little larger sum than usual and told him specifically it is my savings for my sister’s wedding gift. He said he is very thankful and he would return it soon. My sister is getting married in July and we are not on talking terms for a month and half. I feel it will be so rude if I ask for it and asking for it would mean I have to talk to him. Knowing him, he will try to return everything at once even if it meant skipping meals for days.

Why I am thinking so much!!!!! I honestly don’t want to care about him the same way he doesn’t care about me anymore but I don’t know how to gauge my thought process. Being busy does not help. It is just that I had always pictured him to be so strong that ever since I met him, I always thought of him as my life partner. And now I feel like not talking to men for as long as I can avoid it.

Sorry for doing this, again and again, my brain goes on in a loop and I keep writing it all down.

Thank you, Anita, for being so patient with me and reading everything I have to say! I really cannot thank you enough!