Dear Earth Angel:

Thank you for your appreciation. Good job at not overextending yourself, dedicating days to not doing anything: excellent!

You wrote: “At times I feel like I am being selfish because family is the basic foundation of every childhood and it feels like I’m abandoning my family when I disengage from them. I believe this is my inner critic from my parents saying I should play a more active role for my family and learn more real life skills”.

Notice: your family is indeed the foundation of your inner critic who has been harming you for so long. It does take disengaging from your family so to disengage from their mental representative in you: the inner critic, that inner bully.

When you do what you can do to heal yourself from damage done to you, you are not being selfish. You are doing the right thing, what you should be doing.

“Real life skills” that your parents do not practice is to communicate well, to not argue. Effective communication is a very important skill, very much so.

Regarding your questions:

1. “How do I know what’s important for me to learn to help me in the world?”- I believe it is very helpful for you to communicate effectively, to act assertively. You didn’t learn these from your parents because they don’t practice these things, not between themselves and not with you. Criticism and aggression harmed you, caused you lots of suffering. You know from your own personal experience how better it feels and how better you function when you don’t suffer, when you experience peace. Therefore, any skills you learn and practice to promote your peace of mind, your mental health, is the most helpful skills for you to help you in the world.

2. “How do I stop suppressing the negative in me and gain the courage to release it?”- what negative are you referring to in this question and how are you suppressing it?

3. “When certain events trigger a stress reaction or my inner critic, how do I calm myself down and regain my focus?”- take time out, a few slow, deep breaths, disengage from thinking by holding something in your hands and focusing on the touch of it, how it feels in your hands, by taking a walk  outside, by imagining a calm place where you can relax for a moment, and so  on, you choose at any particular moment what to try as a healthy distraction.

4. “How do I tell others that I need time for myself throughout the week and if I don’t get back to them in two weeks.. that I’m not ignoring them or being selfish?”- tell them just that, what I italicized.

5. “How do I know that I’m putting my needs first and being true to myself and not being dragged into aspirations/problems/expectations of others”- by taking those two days a week and not doing anything for others. And on the other days, by noticing when you are dragged and disengage from the situation, excusing yourself and leaving the situation.

Take good care of yourself, Earth Angel. You are not being selfish for doing so. It is your responsibility, your very top responsibility and duty to do just that: to take good care of yourself, to be good to you.

anita