Alright, I am sorry for that. I have posted here at the end of last year. I talked about that I feel “like I am not supposed to experience 2018” and that I felt trapped in the concept of time.

In August last year I felt like something in me was slowly dying (it felt like I outsmarted something), feeling like “I” couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND “I” IN MY MIND (I dont know how to explain it, the I, the one I think I am) CAUSED SUICIDAL FEELINGS.

At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that a part of me cant live anymore and I tend to identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization (it is a phenomenon where you feel disconnected from your body) which I suffered for around 6 months. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. When the feelings and the thoughts are there, I am confused and I dont know what I really want. This very, very dark part of me has been created over the last few months. It happened over one week in August, when I thought about “time is crazy” and that I somehow cant exist in this “concept of time”. It felt like: Ok my mind says that I cant live in “time” anymore, lets just dive in then and see if it is right.

When I am in a critical place like that, fully in my mind, dont know if I should still live, my eyes turn red, I look drained and tired and feel incredible suffering. Sometimes I feel like, yes I am a lost case, with fucking 18 years, youll never get out of that, because you always look back to that day when your mind declared “time” to be something strange. Then when I recall these feelings I felt that week in August, I feel like “how the fuck are you still alive” and that I am not supposed to be alive anymore. I dont know how to describe these feelings. It doesnt work in my mind anymore. “I” cant rationally exist anymore. Everything about “me” is triggering feelings of death. My ID, my future, everything, its an absolute mind-death of “I”. IT IS HORRIBLE.

Then there is the rather peaceful part of me, who wants to live but that knows that the dark part (which feels equally valid), cant live anymore, which creates a conflict inside me. Do I want to live? Can I continue to live? Who am I?

Since that week, time (the date especially) is triggering these feelings and thoughts of “do I really exist?” and then it feels like I am not supposed to be alive anymore. And I know this is strange, if anyone asks if this is psychotic or so, no, I am aware that this is strange.

I have read many things about spirituality, never fully practised it, but I didnt know how to explain my psychological issues. So I looked into spirituality, and “the dark night of the soul” matched perfectly with what I am going through.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Phil.