Dear Earth Angel:

Your situation: you are a student,  financially dependent on your parents. You are “still recovering from anorexia, depression, struggling with gender dysphoria and know for certain I’m going to make a medical transition to become a male ..later in life”. And you are seeing what seems to me an excellent therapist (I am so glad that you do!)

You wrote: “I wonder if there is a way to shield myself from the negativity of others without trying to become isolated.

The following is my point that applies to the list of questions you asked me today: I believe  you do have to become isolated and keep yourself isolated from people except for a selected few. You are not prepared, nor can you be expected to be prepared, to deal with lots of people at this point, and not for a long time.

The very fact that you are making a social transgender transition alone is enough to bring about raised eyebrows and criticism from lots and lots of people. Your inner critic will continue to thrive with all those raised eyebrows and criticisms. So, yes, you do need to isolate yourself from people. Except selected few.

Your questions today:

1. ‘”How do I stop their (your parents’ and other people’s) negative views from influencing the person I want to be?”- isolate yourself from your parents. Best to have no contact with them whatsoever although I understand the financial dependence on them. Still, if only it can be done, it would be best to have no contact with them.

In other words: don’t be there for the negative views of others.

2. “How do I disengage from it (an argument) and also be considerate of other person’s pain?”- I don’t think you can afford considering another’s pain at this point. Just make sure you are polite, see to it that you  don’t mistreat another (yell at someone, call someone names, and so forth, things you don’t do anyway). It is not your job to help others’ pain. Disengage. Leave.

3. “How do I know who the people in my life who truly care about me are from people who just want to take my time?”- your therapist truly cares, correct? In the context of this website, I do, correct? You have two people. If this is all you have, good enough. One more person here, another there, good enough. Don’t evaluate a hundred people to figure who cares and who doesn’t. Have humble expectations in this regard.

4. “How do I remove myself from conversations that make me feel uncomfortable or tell someone that I have changed and their view of me is just the surface without seeming to be rude?”- not a good idea for you to focus on not being rude. You can’t afford this drainage of energy. This is why I do say: isolate yourself from most people. Don’t share your private business with most individuals. Don’t defend yourself with others. Stay away from wasting your precious energy.

5. “Is there a way I can listen to the pain of others  and sympathize without taking it on as my own?”- no, I don’t think so, not at this point and not for a while. So… don’t be there to listen.

6. “How do I make it seem like I’m not acceding to their (people who are angry at you) demands, but just removing myself from the situation?”- remove yourself from the situation and people. Your job in life is not to earn strangers’ approval, or your parents’ approval (and they are strangers to you, really). Your job is not to listen to others’ pain, to not appear rude. Your job is to heal from what ails you, to continue your healing.

7. “How do I deal with an angry person without adding fuel to the flames, remove myself from the situation and protect my self esteem?”- you don’t deal with an angry person. Remove yourself from the situation.

anita