Hi Lunari,

Thanks so much for writing in– I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been involved in such a painful situation with your family and I’m really glad that you’ve decided to seek additional support for yourself!

You are very right that you cannot control your mother and that she will not change.  I do want to stress to you though that her cruel treatment of you and incredibly insensitive comments are not accidental and she absolutely does mean them.  There is no possible way for a mother to emotionally abuse her child, call her names, shame her, etc. and do this accidentally.  Unfortunately, she knows exactly what she is doing and after you reasonably asked her to change her behavior twice, she has refused.

It sounds like you have to live with her for the near future so your best bet would be to minimize contact as much as possible and establish some really strong boundaries with her– especially around your personal life, your dating matters, and your emotional world.  She has proven since you were very young, and even more so as you have become an adult, that she cannot be trusted to be kind, supportive, compassionate, or any of the things that you need and deserve in a mother.  Therefore, she no longer gets unlimited access and knowledge to your college experience, your relationships, etc.  This will be hard at first and she will most definitely not like it.  You do not have to tell her that you are doing this; simply change your behavior.

It’s great that you’ve started to see a therapist for this– I would recommend bringing this up to him/her and asking for help in setting appropriate boundaries with your mother and working to get out of this situation you’re in.  It does not sound all that good for your emotional well-being to be living with her and I would recommend moving out for good as soon as you are able to do so safely and within your financial means.

I’m so sorry that she has been so cruel to you– I wonder if you might be able to push back on some of the insults by saying, “Mom, if you cannot stop yourself from making cruel comments or negative remarks after I try to do something helpful around here like cleaning, I will no longer be available to do so.”

My only other suggestion, specifically since you are asking how to not take every mean comment to heart, would be to build up your own inner resources as much as possible– and, again, I would not tell your mother you are doing this.  She will only be more cruel to you.  Continue going to therapy, see if you can get involved in some social activities, really start investing in as much self-care as you can, whatever that means to you; pedicures, meditation, yoga, boxing class, improv, painting…anything that allows you to relax and take care of yourself.

You sound like such a strong and resilient person and have already gotten through so much with your mom treating you with disrespect and ill-intentions since you were young.  I can say from personal experience that there is definitely a way through this and a way out.

I hope that this helps you out in some way– take what makes sense and leave the rest and good luck!!

Amy